Facts by the numbers: The military is the number one career field that divorces the MOST out of literally any one in existence according to the US Census Bureau and Pew Research Center studies. The divorce rate is more than double the closest civilian career field to it. Female service members have almost twice the divorce rate of male service members. Depending on the studies you read between 25-33% of GWOT (Global War on Terror) veterans suffer from some sort of mental issue such as PTSD.

Why are these numbers so disproportionately high and what can be done to address this? There is no catch all answer to why military marriage ends in divorce. Here are some facts and observations I’ll offer though:
Very high stress job roles, entry level pay.

Long and frequent time away. Deployments on the short end for some units are 3-4 months and on the extreme end are 12-15 months. In the last decade deployments have been shortened on the Army side to 9-10 months. Frequent training events take the service member away for up to a month at a time.

High level of physical danger to the servicemember. Injuries and risk of death are elevated due to training cycles and are very high if the servicemember serves in a direct combat related role.


Frequent duty station moves. Officers move around every 2 years and enlisted every 3-4 years depending on the branch of service and other factors. Some units and roles may allow you to stay longer, and there are exceptions that you can apply for at the service level of the service member’s branch. This lifestyle causes cascading issues with a spouse’s ability to stay employed and advance their career and stability issues with children.

Military spouses are often thrust into playing the role of both mom and dad when the servicemember is away. Many of the spouses are very young and their low level of life experience adds to the problem. The military does many things to address this known problem but, it’s still a problem you can’t eliminate.

Geographic isolation from family. New military spouses can really struggle with the lack of local support especially, if their husband is deployed. Many chose to move back home for the deployment which can also cause issues in other areas.

Loss of community. It’s a constant in and out of people in the unit, the base, and the surrounding community. People that are not extroverted really struggle to make friends and connections. This hits especially hard if awesome connections were made and then lost due orders to move to a new duty station.

Very young, immature people getting married. Many, not all but many military couples get married at ages that are very young compared to civilian counterparts. Why? Great question I can speculate that a lot of servicemembers want to fast forward areas of their lives. Marriage isn’t a wise choice to fast forward.

Buyer’s remorse. A lot of spouses don’t realize that when you marry a military man, you marry the lifestyle and all the good and bad that comes with it. You can predict some things, others you cannot. That’s also not at all unique to military service but some of the problem sets are.

-AND….last but not least the dreaded person that wants to take advantage of the servicemember. It’s the trashiest version of the gold digger. The poor dude literally marries the first woman who’s ever given him attention and/or slept with him and he’s in love now. Every military leader has had a subordinate that’s pulled this one and it results in constant headaches and drama.  Everyone who’s served has a story about the “Dependa” spouse.

So that leaves us with two things. First, what you should do before you get married in the military. Second, how do you get ahead of problems that can destroy your marriage while serving.

Before you get married you should do the following things:

Date for 2-3 years. Really get to know this person. ENSURE you two are holistically compatible. Time on station often makes dating difficult but, if you two really mean that much to each other you’ll figure it out.

-Premarital counseling with your unit chaplain or similar source. Your spouse should know to the best that can be predicted what military life entails and you guys need to have a lot of conversations surrounding this and the same issues that would be common to any marriage. DO NOT RUSH THE PROCESS.

I highly recommend a Pre-nuptial agreement in any marriage. Include a clause taking any portion of your military retirement off the table. The United States Supreme Court ruled nearly 40 years ago that states are allowed to consider your military retirement pension as a marital asset and NOT a sole asset to the servicemember. The “10/10 rule” can be very costly if your marriage overlaps all or most of your time in the military. Trust me, I know personally.

-Get your feet under you. Do not marry at the very beginning of your career or towards the end. It’s too much transition all at once. Get good at your job, gain some rank and experience and stability first.

-Seriously question why MS Perfect wants to marry into this lifestyle. See what her actions tell you.

It takes a very special type of person to endure the unique hardships of being a military spouse and the truth is that most people are not up to that task.  Most people aren’t even capable of serving in the military.  Those are just facts. Your spouse should know that he or she will be required to uphold every area of your life when you deploy and will be expected to not fall on a penis or vagina that isn’t yours while they are doing all those things.

Here are some things I’ve seen in successful military couples:

They largely did some or most of the things I talked about in the pre marriage section of this article.

The spouses were a healthy independent and took pride in their role. They embraced military life and found the beauty in it. They learned to manage the unsavory things and work with their service member spouse to achieve the collective family goals.  The non-service member spouse tended to be very patriotic and saw their sacrifices as serving their country as well which I personally think is awesome and very true.

The non-service member spouse was extroverted, loved to travel and experience new things and was very go with the flow. This is the ideal personality type as transition as previously explained is a constant on a lot of fronts while serving.

The couple regularly utilized marriage retreats and available services before the check engine light came on in their marriage.

The service member took the non-service member spouse’s opinion on career decisions and choices into deep consideration when making decisions on duty stations, roles, and other things as they progressed in their career. This isn’t always possible as sometimes you are selected for duties beyond your control for example Drill Sergeant or Recruiter duty. But, when it is possible the service member involved their spouse in the decision making process.

The couple implemented systems and networked with other couples to “trade” childcare to make time for date nights. No money exchanged, 1 for 1 trade of children.

The couples communicated effectively and properly aligned to the goals that would take them through military retirement and beyond.

The non-servicemember spouse was either employed or served the unit or the community while engaged in regular healthy hobbies.

“Jody” was not condoned or tolerated by either partner.

The service member took action to handle their physical and mental health as required.

Both parties did not engage in destructive habits such as overindulgence of alcohol (massive problem in the military).

Marriage is work for us all. Military marriage puts it on ultra-hard mode.  It can stress every system and process you have in your marriage to the breaking point.  It can be ultra-rewarding to go through serving with a spouse that is as devoted to serving the nation as you are and has the same goals in mind. My greatest hope is that if you’re reading this you either take action to get your marriage on the right track or get ahead of problems before they start. Don’t ever forget that your spouse sacrifices A LOT while you are serving. They deserve a thank you for holding it down while you are doing our nation’s business and defending our freedoms.