“I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You”
Those words were spoken by my wife in the summer of 2016. Soul crushing to a guy that was married of 15 years with two kids, one in middle and one in elementary school. I was a depressed, very overweight unemployed middle school teacher and wrestling coach at that time. My marriage was not going like I had pictured it would be fifteen years in.
Fellas, as soon as I found The Dead Bedroom Fix in Sept ’19 I felt like I had been handed the wedding fixing manual that no one in my life had ever even touched on. I was so convinced I was going to have my old wife back in no time that I ordered a bunch of sex toys at the end of week two. What really happened was a ton of working on myself, trying things that did (losing 40lbs) and didn’t work (T-Rexing), and learning how to be a man again and not the total nice guy I was.
I was posting questions and scenarios right from the start. Three months in I was doing coaching sessions with Ralph. I was reading a few other books that worked (Masculine In Relationships) and that didn’t (No More Mr Nice Guy). I was messaging guys questions that I seemed to connect with about their stories, Jason H, Noor H, Austin G, Scotty G, etc. I did a testimonial with Ralph, I went to many online meetings during Covid, I made sure to go to BroFest #2 in Austin and met other guys that were similar to myself Brian C, Vince M, Doug W, Gus V, Kyle H.
I took countless pages of Notes on my phone and would implement strategies that I learned or tips that I read about from other guys. Some would work and others wouldn’t. My mindset slowly started to change. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. Of everyone that I met through this group of awesome brothers, every single one of them learned faster than myself. I was jealous, distraught about my situation and looking for pity, always comparing my situation with others that were making it work right away, I thought I was doing things wrong, thought she’ll never change, maybe I just married the wrong gal, etc. Not until I started to finally stop looking for excuses and just take the stance of “The reason we are where we are in this marriage is because of me. It’s my fault,” did things start to change.
It took me 18 months (married 18 years at that point, coincidence, I think not) to finally put enough work in on myself and get to the point that I felt like, “Ok. I’ve done the work, I’ve changed a lot for the better, I’ve taken on being the leader at home and it’s time to have
The Talk. If she doesn’t want to change, great. We’ll be great co-parents and we can go our separate ways.” She heard what I said, especially the part of “Yes, I used to be like that, but I am not that same guy any longer and I’ve shown you that consistently the last 18 months. You can’t judge me on my past when I don’t do those things any more (guilting and pressuring her into sex or throwing a tantrum when she didn’t feel like having sex were big ones). You can’t bring up past scenarios and traumas and use those to blame me for my past mistakes.” She believed that I was ready to call it quits if she wasn’t going to put in effort in herself and our marriage and slowly started to work on her things. I supported her, but didn’t tell her what to do. Shit was not easy, either. Life threw me no small amount of shit tests, and not just from my wife. I have a transgender kid that was close to ending his life. My other one was expelled his senior year for having a knife in his backpack. They both totaled their cars this summer. I lost my teaching job at the end of this past school year. My wife’s favorite relative, her aunt, recently died and we’re both watching our parents decline. The whole time I knew I had to be the leader so she could feel safe to be her emotional self. Not only that, I had to encourage her to eat right by making sure I stepped up and cooked healthy meals, and support her by going with her to workouts when she faltered instead of criticizing. I had to plan date nights, vacations, take over finances, nights out with friends, concerts, birthdays, etc. but not always alone. I do a lot of floating ideas and plans by her by inviting her to help me or take on certain tasks. I ain’t Superman and I love having her by my side contributing. She’s better at some things and excels at others way beyond me. She’s an intelligent, caring, funny, loving introvert that needs her man to pick her up and make sure she isn’t in her head 24/7 by putting things on her social calendar. The main thing I learned was that you have to know your woman. My wife checks a lot of my boxes, not all of ‘em, but most. And I can happily work with that.
It’s now been five years since I read The Dead Bedroom Fix. I’m very content where I am in my life. An employed teacher and wrestling coach, two kids very happy in their prospective colleges, a very happy elementary teaching wife who takes care of herself. I always wanted a partner who worked out/exercised. She does, maybe not to my end, but for her. That’s cool with me, I like being the better half in the relationship, haha.