Those words were spoken by my wife in the summer of 2016. Soul crushing to a guy that was married of 15 years with two kids, one in middle and one in elementary school. I was a depressed, very overweight unemployed middle school teacher and wrestling coach at that time. My marriage was not going like I had pictured it would be fifteen years in.

Fellas, as soon as I found The Dead Bedroom Fix in Sept ’19 I felt like I had been handed the wedding fixing manual that no one in my life had ever even touched on. I was so convinced I was going to have my old wife back in no time that I ordered a bunch of sex toys at the end of week two. What really happened was a ton of working on myself, trying things that did (losing 40lbs) and didn’t work (T-Rexing), and learning how to be a man again and not the total nice guy I was.

I was posting questions and scenarios right from the start. Three months in I was doing coaching sessions with Ralph. I was reading a few other books that worked (Masculine In Relationships) and that didn’t (No More Mr Nice Guy). I was messaging guys questions that I seemed to connect with about their stories, Jason H, Noor H, Austin G, Scotty G, etc. I did a testimonial with Ralph, I went to many online meetings during Covid, I made sure to go to BroFest #2 in Austin and met other guys that were similar to myself Brian C, Vince M, Doug W, Gus V, Kyle H.

I took countless pages of Notes on my phone and would implement strategies that I learned or tips that I read about from other guys. Some would work and others wouldn’t. My mindset slowly started to change. And when I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. Of everyone that I met through this group of awesome brothers, every single one of them learned faster than myself. I was jealous, distraught about my situation and looking for pity, always comparing my situation with others that were making it work right away, I thought I was doing things wrong, thought she’ll never change, maybe I just married the wrong gal, etc. Not until I started to finally stop looking for excuses and just take the stance of “The reason we are where we are in this marriage is because of me. It’s my fault,” did things start to change.

It took me 18 months (married 18 years at that point, coincidence, I think not) to finally put enough work in on myself and get to the point that I felt like, “Ok. I’ve done the work, I’ve changed a lot for the better, I’ve taken on being the leader at home and it’s time to have The Talk. If she doesn’t want to change, great. We’ll be great co-parents and we can go our separate ways.” She heard what I said, especially the part of “Yes, I used to be like that, but I am not that same guy any longer and I’ve shown you that consistently the last 18 months. You can’t judge me on my past when I don’t do those things any more (guilting and pressuring her into sex or throwing a tantrum when she didn’t feel like having sex were big ones). You can’t bring up past scenarios and traumas and use those to blame me for my past mistakes.” She believed that I was ready to call it quits if she wasn’t going to put in effort in herself and our marriage and slowly started to work on her things. I supported her, but didn’t tell her what to do. Shit was not easy, either.

Life threw me no small amount of shit tests, and not just from my wife. I have a transgender kid that was close to ending his life. My other one was expelled his senior year for having a knife in his backpack. They both totaled their cars this summer. I lost my teaching job at the end of this past school year. My wife’s favorite relative, her aunt, recently died and we’re both watching our parents decline. The whole time I knew I had to be the leader so she could feel safe to be her emotional self.

Not only that, I had to encourage her to eat right by making sure I stepped up and cooked healthy meals, and support her by going with her to workouts when she faltered instead of criticizing. I had to plan date nights, vacations, take over finances, nights out with friends, concerts, birthdays, etc. but not always alone. I do a lot of floating ideas and plans by her by inviting her to help me or take on certain tasks. I ain’t Superman and I love having her by my side contributing. She’s better at some things and excels at others way beyond me. She’s an intelligent, caring, funny, loving introvert that needs her man to pick her up and make sure she isn’t in her head 24/7 by putting things on her social calendar. The main thing I learned was that you have to know your woman. My wife checks a lot of my boxes, not all of ‘em, but most. And I can happily work with that.

It’s now been five years since I read The Dead Bedroom Fix. I’m very content where I am in my life. An employed teacher and wrestling coach, two kids very happy in their prospective colleges, a very happy elementary teaching wife who takes care of herself. I always wanted a partner who worked out/exercised. She does, maybe not to my end, but for her. That’s cool with me, I like being the better half in the relationship, haha.

It's common when first starting on the journey of self improvement to have a surge of motivation and ride the highs of the initial wins. However, reality soon sinks in that it's a journey with no end point and constantly shifting goalposts. It's at this point particularly that we can then externalize elements that aren't going particularly to plan because simply we lack the discipline and accountability to stay the course and be consistent to the level required.

This right here is where the HFM coaches are in their element. Particularly coach Steve.

My marriage was very much on the rocks and my life amounted to not much more than a “pity party” of circumstances and victim mentality. Upon finding the Brotherhood, I saw significant change for the better. However, with more awareness I began to drastically overthink and overcorrect to a point it was detrimental to my own wellbeing and the health of my marriage.

Steve was pivotal in helping me understand the underlying reasons of how this occurred and offered plenty of simple, practical measures to keep myself in check. Perhaps most importantly, Steve helped me learn that the measure of my improvement and success cannot be measured by the actions and responses of others, particularly Mrs. Wifey.

By learning to internalize the self improvement journey, I have become much more consistent in eradicating the “nice guy” and anxious behaviours from my life and now look for ways to be accountable in all facets of life. The flow-on effects to my relationships—not just with my wife, but my kids, extended family, and employer—have been immense.

Steve is a coach who I am now fortunate enough to call a great mate. He is consistently in my corner and wants nothing but the best for me, and isn’t shy in pulling any punches where needed to keep me on track.

Coaching with Steve is right up there among the best investments I have ever made for myself. I cannot recommend highly enough coaching from the HFM team, particularly Steve.

Ten years ago, at the age of 42, I was a drunk, morbidly obese, checked-out husband and father of five. My career was hanging by a thread. Then I experienced a wake-up call. My kids were going to watch me die and I was going to leave behind a sad, disgraceful legacy.

I crawled into an alcohol recovery meeting, grabbed a man I trusted and admired, and asked for help. I didn’t know what to do, but I became willing to follow advice and do whatever was necessary. Over the next several years I learned to live sober, prioritized my health, and lost 140 pounds.

My personal life and career improved dramatically. Yet my relationship with my wife of over 20 years did not follow suit. She enjoyed the life I provided, but actively avoided me. I was caught in a cycle of habitual chasing, appeasement, and begging. I grappled with anxiety, frustration, and anger. Occasionally this would build to a climax and I would explode on her — followed by shame, apologies, and renewed efforts to please her.

In late 2021, my wife began working at a gym. Her life began to revolve around her coworkers. Evenings away from home. Personal texts with male coworkers. Similar behavior early in our marriage had resulted in an emotional and physical affair. When I raised concerns, she deflected, got angry, and brought up the hell I had put her through. I apologized and retreated.

I tried therapy. Then marriage counseling. Nothing changed.

In the summer of 2023, I discovered The Dead Bedroom Fix. I read it twice. I realized I had made many positive changes — but one glaring mistake remained. My constant subordinating behavior was destroying any chance of respect. My wife had none for me. I had none for myself.

I began coaching with Jason. It became clear that many of my wife’s behaviors were unacceptable in a healthy relationship. I needed boundaries and consequences. This felt terrifying. I felt controlling. She reinforced those fears with emotional backlash and accusations. Still, I stayed the course.

After a few months, I felt better. Stronger. Calmer. My shame and anger faded. My wife, however, grew increasingly hostile. During a coaching session, it became clear it was time for “The Talk.” She either needed to demonstrate consistent effort — or we were done.

She chose to end the marriage.

That response crushed me — but it also confirmed what she had shown me for years. I executed a prepared plan. Mediation. Divorce finalized in one month. I moved out shortly after.

That first Christmas Eve alone in an empty townhouse was brutal. Lonely. Terrifying. Worse than early sobriety. But pain has power. In that silence, something ignited. I decided I would prove to myself — and my kids — that a man can lose everything and come back stronger.

Coaching became a lifeline. Jason once said, “Make your place into anything you want. Who gives a fuck what other people think.” I listened. That townhouse became my fortress. My sanctuary.

I learned how to parent solo. Built schedules. Meal plans. Adventures. Within months, I had the kid-thing nailed.

Financially, I was buried. Massive debt. IRS payments. Half my income gone. Jason’s motto was “FITFO.” I adopted it. I worked brutal hours. Slept wherever I had to. Meal prepped. Within six months, I was debt-free and building savings.

I didn’t just survive — I thrived. Travel. Jiu Jitsu. Adventures with my kids. Concerts. Comedy shows. A half-marathon with my adult daughter. Best shape of my life.

As I approach one year post-divorce, my life isn’t perfect. Challenges remain. But I don’t miss the secure misery I once lived in. I’ve walked through hell and discovered what I’m capable of. At 50, I feel like I’m finally becoming the man I was meant to be.