If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a variation of the statement “When She’s/It’s Good, She’s/It’s Great!” The man making the statement is really highlighting that his partner lives a life of behavioral/emotional extremes BUT, she has some good qualities and when those shine through life is really good. We’ve all met women like this. You’ll get warnings about them from their husbands “Oh be careful, she’s a firecracker!” I know what I’m getting into every time. It’s all the same warning and the same nonsense every time. It goes beyond just being opinionated, decisive, and not reliant on a man to survive aka the strong independent woman persona. Again, we are talking about bad behavior here.
Real World example:
I know a woman that proudly states on Facebook “I’m like a shot of whiskey mixed with a hurricane”.
She’s attractive, takes care of herself, holds a great job, but in my dealings with her clearly has some unhealthy drinking habits, verbally abuses the men in relationships, and is a total drunken shit show at social events. She thinks it’s both cute and hilarious and so do the line of dumbasses that date this woman. Early on they think that way at least.
HER own statement of “I’m like a shot of whiskey mixed with a hurricane” is like looking into a crystal ball into the future. Her statement could be described as an “Early Frame Announcement” or EFA. EFA’s are broken down quite well in the book “Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man” by Joseph W. South. The Early Frame Announcement is a direct or indirect form of communication (mostly sub communication aka read between the lines stuff) where a woman will tell you her terms of the relationship predicating love, affection, and sex on her terms.
Let’s reexamine example #1. The woman states “I’m like a shot of whiskey mixed with a hurricane.” Aww how cute! No. Oh I do like Whisky. Whisky has a bitter, burning kick, and tends to get you intoxicated very quickly. Hurricanes are destructive in nature and destroy everything in its path without apology. They tend to move very slowly and spend a lot of time wreaking havoc wherever they go.
So why the hell would a woman say this? She’s saying “you Mr. man are going to deal with my bitchy, foul attitude, and inability to control my emotions in a constructive way. I will get very drunk, throw things at you, break things, hit you, and remember none of it the next morning. I’ll then blame it on everything but my own behavior and then I’ll bait you back with great sex and repeat the process. Run for your life I’m going Category 5 tonight.”
Let’s spin this another direction. “When it’s good, it’s great”. The sex, the behavior, the relationship, the__________. You fill in the blank. If you find yourself saying this, there are problems, and you are clinging onto the fleeting good moments and forgetting how bad, bad really is. From what I see the bad tends to become more and more prevalent over time and the good tends to take a back seat. What you’re not saying is “When it’s bad, it’s really bad…. like unbearable.” Why live like that? Why waste your precious time with a woman who won’t get help? It’s desperate, it’s treating time like it’s renewable, it’s telling of your lack of self-respect. You’ve got Stockholm syndrome and you’re making excuses for your captor. You cannot help a person who doesn’t want the help.
What to do
If you find yourself justifying your commitment to a woman by saying the phrase “When it’s good, it’s great” then you need to really think about what your pain threshold is and why it’s so damn high. Think about the start of the relationship. Was she always this way or did it develop over time? Either way life is very much about choices and a smart man is going to give Ms. Whiskey-hurricane a clear choice: choose to get help to resolve your issues or you’ll be choosing to exit the relationship. This is where you can utilize “the healthy version of the talk” (use this link to read an article about this topic):
Let’s say the fill in the blank is just sex (in other words the sex is great when it happens). No major red flags, she is just not into sex. You’ve worked on yourself and operate from a position of strength now. You can absolutely execute the healthy version of the talk and create a call to action to work on herself and meet you in the middle by working on her own body image issues, sexual shame issues, hormonal issues, or whatever it is mentally or medically that is holding her back from regular fulfilling physical intimacy. Ultimately, if the two of you cannot work through this together with each partner providing equity to remain connected as a married couple, then what’s the point of being miserable and living a life of regrets?
I for one will never recommend that any of you waste a second of your precious time. A healthier description of a marriage or a relationship would go something like this:
“It’s good and great! Sure we both have our off moments, but we work through those and we are both committed to living happy and fulfilled lives together. We share common values, agree on the big issues of the relationship, and communicate openly and honestly. We both realize and appreciate the need for intimacy and work hard to keep it alive.”
Ultimately, people prioritize what they really give a shit about. Everyone else is. Why aren’t you? Don’t settle for fly by night good behavior from a generally damaged person who won’t take action to get better.