“What was I thinking?”
“I’ll never do that again.”
“Man, that was dumb”
“I’ve survived so much shit, I know I can survive anything life throws at me”
We’ve all said first three but, have you said the last one? Let’s take a closer look. Clarity comes from the passing of time and the removal of the situation or conditions or intense emotions that cloud our judgement or bring us pain. This is a human thing and just something you need to realize. It’s a test of patience. In the modern world of instant gratification, dopamine addictions at the hands of smart phones, social media, pornography you need a cleanse. Ya know one of those shakes you can buy at GNC that makes you blow your guts out and rid out all the toxins in your body. Clarity doesn’t work like a smart phone. You can’t just scroll. Actual time must pass, and time allows you to process things from a different point of view. That’s a clear-eyed point of view and not a rose-colored glasses point of view.
The space in between the “good times” and the clarity can be extremely painful. I’ve lived it and I know you have too. As I now sit post-divorce I’ve gotten a ton of clarity. The red flags I ignored during dating that came to destroy our marriage nearly 14 years later (Clarity). Heres a few other situations that I found clarity in as time passed: coming to terms with my war time service in the Army and the wars themselves, transitioning into civilian life after a 22-year army career. I wanted to write this article because clarity was one thing I seek out, pray for, and work towards daily.
I can remember the really trying times in my life and easy pickings are the divorce I just went through all while transitioning out of the army and into retirement. I’ve had more sleepless nights from 2022-2024 than any other time in my life. I laid there in bed, ears ringing (I have bad tinnitus constantly) and the silence was deafening in those moments. I felt a loneliness in those moments that I literally never had at any point in my life (yes even combat). It was like I was surrounded from the inside. The intrusive thoughts I experienced during that time I’ve never really told anyone. I’d get out of bed and go watch my kids sleep some nights and just cry. No one ever saw that but, I know it will help you guys by reading it. Unfortunately, this is a part of life and it pushed me to my limit. It tested me in ways I had never been. I survived. Many men don’t, they kill themselves. That’s why I’m writing this. I know some of you are going through it.
What to do about it
Allow TIME to pass. There is no way for me to sugar coat the piece of literal shit this is process is going to be for you. It’s going to hurt bad. Folks will tell you to dive into this or work on that or do hobbies. Yes, those are all good things, but they are temporary distractions because as soon as you are laying in bed it’s coming for you. It’s the grim reaper of your thoughts just waiting. Understand me now….YOU DON’T GET CLARITY WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE SUCK FEST. It’s a necessary evil that you must endure. Focus on winning one task at a time and one day at a time. These are greasy minutes in the game to play. Slugging it out is going to tire your soul but, you can’t quit. Over time your emotions will ease up, your resolve will harden, your belief in yourself and your abilities will increase, and you will gain solidarity in your mission.
Be patient and have faith that things will be ok. Trust me on this man. If you are reading this, you are a member of the Help for Men Brotherhood. You are actively seeking to better yourself each day. Most people don’t do that. Your wins will add up and you will see better days dude. I know it’s hard to see the light at the end of whatever tunnel you are in but its there. Stay the course, hold the line, plant your feet on the ground each morning. Hold your head up high and realize the only thing that can literally kill you in this situation is you taking your own life. You won’t do that because you have too much to lose. Have faith and work hard. You will be okay I promise you that.
Develop a self-care plan for crisis. I had a short list of guys I would call. It was a combination of men in the HFM Brotherhood, select members of my family (primarily my dad), and friends and mentors from my time in the army. They showed up for me, they gave me great counsel, they understood and didn’t judge me for feeling things I’d never felt. They helped me sort it all out. You’ve got to look at how you are taking care of yourself daily. Start with a physical fitness routine. It’s paramount and I will always consider it the most important thing we do daily. It’s the foundation that success grows from. When you are mad you go to the gym, when you are sad you drag your sorry ass through that gym door and go. That’s what I told myself. It works. If you are a man of religious faith pull your pastor or spiritual leader in close. Finally, involve the HFM team here. Coaches and the friends you will make in the brotherhood. We get it. We won’t judge. We want you to win. You’re one of us. You made the team. IF you are having thoughts of suicide or things get too bad you need to seek out help right away as your problems may be better addressed (or aspects of them) by behavioral health providers.
Be Kind to yourself. You need to give yourself a lot of grace. For most of you are probably shoving 10lbs of shit into a 1lb bag daily as appears to be the norm in modern life. You probably aren’t going to have some of your best performances during this period and that’s okay. If your workplace performance isn’t where you want it to be I encourage you to share what’s necessary with your boss and collogues. They should give you a bit of grace. The word of many days will be SURVIVAL. Did the kids eat tonight? Yes=win. Do you still have a roof over your head and does everyone have clothes to wear? Yes=win. This isn’t your shoot for the stars and piss excellence season. It’s about surviving, damage/fall out control, and posturing yourself for the future in the best way you can. Take it easy on yourself. If you are a perfectionist, you will likely really struggle with this. You need to take a hard look at what the real standard is.
Clarity comes at a price. Often that’s copious amounts of pain and heart ache. You pay as you go. There is not a fast forward button on the remote of life. If you’re reading this and you are going through the thick of it, we are all with you. Soon Clarity will come, and you’ll be on the other side.