One of if not the most destructive forces I have witnessed in coaching over the past five years is RESENTMENT. There is an old saying about resentment:
“Holding onto resentment is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”
RE-SENT-MENT: (noun) bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
“She had resentment towards his past failures in the relationship.”
Resentment is one of the most common barriers that men working on themselves look to work on and move past in their self-improvement journey. I often find relationship resentment to be bilateral in nature. I’ll fire off an initial email to my coaching client with four questions.
What is the background of your situation?
What are your chief complaints?
What are her chief complaints?
What are your goals in the HFM Brotherhood?
In very general terms, the woman tends to resent the man for failing to “show up for her” in a multitude of ways indicating to me there is an issue with his leadership, presence, and she has lost respect and confidence in him. The man generally tells me that he resents her for leaving him behind romantically to care for the kids, feels like he got sold a bill of goods sexually (eluding to bait and switch real or perceived), or her general foul mood/behavior, or he feels unappreciative for all the personal sacrifices he makes for his family. If I had these two in a room, I’d probably hear a lot of verbal finger pointing and could pose the question “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” In other words, both of you have done things and the other partner has reacted poorly. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter who drew first blood. The relationship has problems and BOTH parties have a hand in the problems.
Nearly every single email I receive has elements of resentment in the answers to questions 1-3. Normally question 1 is answered detailing failures and ownership of those failures on the man’s part, details the impacts of life changes on the relationship, his personal issues, her personal issues, and how the same shit different day (SSDD) approach has yielded a high level of resentment.
From my seat, this resentment towards actions and failures of the past on the man’s part make it very difficult for the wife to accept the newfound positive changes her husband is making to better himself and their relationship. His pace is seen as unfair, bullshit, fake, short lived, and a phase. His actions are labeled narcissistic, self-serving, and are treated often with vile contempt (more on that in a bit). The man working on himself feels a level of defeat. Even though he is working on himself to better him for him, he wants her to support the positive changes that will without a doubt improve their relationship. Her lack of support makes it tough. After all he is just trying to be a better man. Isn’t that an element that all married women would want in a great husband?
What value does resentment have?
Resentment is rooted in a deep sense of being wronged.
There is a belief or feeling that there can be no closure or resolution.
Talking about the issue will result in conflict.
The holder of resentment can and often does use it as a power and control mechanism over their partner.
It’s a coping mechanism. Holding onto resentment prevents future hurt in the mind of the resentment holder.
The danger of resentment is great. For the holder of the resentment, they struggle to get over the perceived or actual wrongdoing and for the subject of the resentment they often feel pushed away or throw up their hands and just walk away after years of trying to work through it.
Unchecked resentment inevitably turns into contempt. This complete lack of compassion will destroy your marriage from the inside out. By the time you and your partner are at this stage it’s often too far gone, and divorce will be coming very soon.
Resentment must be addressed before it turns to contempt. Here’s how you can do that:
-The partner that caused the resentment needs to stop doing whatever has caused the resentment. Coaching and therapy can directly address and bad behavior and create new positive behaviors.
-The resentment holder needs therapy and practical ways to work through the resentful feelings.
-Both parties need to see the other with compassion. A decision needs to be made to move on and stick to that by both. Action must follow.