Many men know all too well the mental and physical pain and agony that ensues after a woman weaponizes sex against you. The rejection, withholding of love and affection, lack of validation are at times excruciating to deal with. Healthy women, know this and won’t intentionally use this very manipulative tactic for the purpose of altering your behavior. Manipulative women will absolutely use this for the previously expressed purpose of altering the man’s behavior.
Conversely many men tend to clam up, withhold communication, or at its worst intentionally weaponize communication (withholding) to alter their wife’s behavior which is equally manipulative. These men do not realize that this has the same exact mental and physical effect that withholding sex, love, and affection from a man has.
I can think of pointed examples from my own marriage to my ex-wife where at times I have been so pissed off at her that I didn’t talk to her for a week or sometimes more. This was wrong on my part. With holding communication turned my ex-wife into a crying, hysterical, resentful, and very angry woman. It did not accomplish ANYTHING. Unfortunately, it’s all too common. Men tend to be more stoic in nature and reserved in conversation, especially with women. Women love to communicate, the argument could be made that they thrive on it. To pull the plug on communication is to deflate them completely.
You shouldn’t continue to communicate when a conversation is turning into a knife fight or in other words spiraling. That being the toxic woman, the ex-wife beyond necessary things with the children and things like that. No, absolutely withhold your right to not engage in bullshit. I’m not saying that taking a break from a spirited debate or walking away from a stupid argument is withholding communication. Decisions to not engage in unproductive communication or destructive communication is absolutely a great tool that every person should have and utilize more. What I am saying is that withholding communication with your wife hurts her and solves nothing. What we as men need to strive for is EFFECTIVE communication.
The dangers of withholding communication
Make no mistake, withholding communication from your wife has negative effects on her personally and on your relationship. Balls drop, things fail, her anxiety spikes through the roof, the longer it stays this way the worse things are going to get. At worst she accepts this new reality and begins to take charge to make things happen and she hates you for it. You in turn get furious that things aren’t going according to your plan that you haven’t even communicated. Does any of this make any sense? No, it does not. This vicious cycle builds resentment in a very short period of time and is a deep hole you have to climb out of. Withholding communication is the demonstration of a lack of leadership aptitude. The pilot has jumped out of the plane and the Co Pilot is now assuming duties your duties. Do this enough times and her respect for you will rapidly die. You will become unreliable. You’re dealing with problems in a childish manner. You’re wife wants a man, not a child in a man’s body. This is passive aggressive, its weakness, its avoidance, it’s harmful to your relationship. Stop doing it.
Utilize effective communication
An effective communicator can convey a message and get desirable results. It’s pretty simple. Effective communicators are assertive in nature. They are inquisitive. They want to define the problem, hear the arguments (points and counter points), analyze data, body language, emotions, and respond with a well-articulated, proper response. They are “even keel” meaning they don’t get too emotional and intake others emotion and dissipate it through their calming aura. The effective communicator leads the conversation, shapes it, and achieves the desired end state. If the conversation starts to spiral he, gets it back on track. If the conversation is leading nowhere, he suspends it until forward progress can be resumed. He is deliberate in thought and word. He means what he says and maintains respect throughout as his words have action tied to them. Do not engage in passive, passive aggressive, or generally aggressive communication. They are all ineffective in short or long term use or both.
In the book the “Dead Bedroom Fix” DSO writes “No sex=no relationship” I would add from a female perspective “No communication=no relationship”.
Finally, from a military perspective “If you can’t talk, you can’t win”.