The typical Always Mr. Nice Guy reads my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and recognizes that he has just been a happy wife-happy life, gift-giving, attention-seeking, love-starved “nice guy” for years… and it’s gotten him exactly nowhere in life. His dead bedroom is a result of this failed gameplan of life. “Well, of course my wife doesn’t want me anymore”, he says to himself.
The man puts into action the “Be Her Lover” steps of the book. For every act of self-improvement (arguably “selfish” behavior), he feels like an asshole. It feels very unnatural to him. It’s like trying to write in cursive with his non-dominant hand. Everything in him screams, “Oh to hell with this!” and he wants to just sit his wife down and explain everything to her. But, he knows better now. He sticks to the plan.
And then… it happens. Again. He’s heading out to the gym for the 30th time in a row and his wife calls out to him .“Don’t you think you’ve been going to the gym a little too much? Aren’t you being a little silly?” “Sigh”, he thinks to himself. “Aaaand just like clockwork, here come the shit tests.”
“Your rippling hunk of a man will be back in about an hour or so. Try to keep your pants on.” he says after giving his wife a smirk and a smack on the butt.
His workout is a good one. Lots of energy. Lots of reflecting on all of his changes. He’s been at this for about a month now. His wife has thrown every shit test imaginable at him. They haven’t had sex yet, but she’s definitely been checking him out and touching him way more. He has stood up to her controlling behavior. He has set boundaries. He has been more focused on self-improvement. He’s even changed some of his behavior at work… which resulted in his boss asking if he’d be interested in moving to another city for a new position and a big pay raise. He’s been waiting for that promotion for a year now. This sudden change in his boss’ attitude is no coincidence. His new mindset is just paying off in every way.
He returns home and his wife is sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking a glass of wine. The kids are playing with legos. The kitchen is a huge mess. She hasn’t touched a thing while he’s been gone. Old him would complain and then do all of the cleanup work himself and pout the rest of the night. New him has a different idea. “Alright, everybody. Here’s the plan. I will empty the dishwasher. Kids, you two scrape all the food off the dishes in the sink and load the dishwasher. Sweetie, you sweep the floor and scrub the counter. We can all get this done in about 10 – 15 minutes. Let’s do this!” He growls like a monster and picks up his kids and throws them over his shoulder. He plops them in front of the kitchen sink. “Get to cleanin, soldiers!” The kids laugh. Then he goes to the wife. She looks up at him angrily. “Don’t even think about trying to pick me up.” He smiles back. “Then I suggest you get up at the count of three or I will be forced to do just that, your highness.” She grunts and angrily stands, “You’ve been a real asshole lately, you know that?” She stomps off the find the broom.
Ouch. That one stings. As the Always Mr. Nice Guy, she knows how to hit him below the belt. If there’s anything he has always tried to NOT be, it’s an asshole.
The wife cleans and the kids try to hurry through their work like it’s a race. Dad says, “Hey, don’t hurry through it. Make sure the plates are ready for the dishwasher. If I see you cut any corners, you’ll have to do it all again.” Mom is bending over to get the broom under the kitchen table. Dad walks by her, “Mmmm hmmm… love to see you work.” She doesn’t acknowledge. “Maybe…” he reflexively thinks to himself, “I should apologize for being so bossy…” But he fights the urge. Old him would say that the wife deserves to sit and drink a glass of wine and that he was being a real dick.
As he predicted, the work was all done in less than 15 minutes. Dad stands and looks over the clean kitchen. “Great job, crew. As your reward… I am taking you all out for ice cream.” The kids jump up and down. “Everyone get ready. I’m going to go take a quick shower and we’ll go.”
He runs to the bathroom and jumps in the shower. As he is scrubbing the gym sweat from his body, he feels a cool rush of air hit him. He turns and sees his wife standing naked at the shower door. “Thought you could use some help”. The things she does to him over the next ten minutes… he hasn’t experienced this since they first started dating in college.
After ice cream and then popcorn and a movie at home, they put the kids to bed and then do their normal nighttime bed routine of brushing teeth and putting on pajamas. As usual, the dad gets to bed first and starts reading his book. A few minutes later, his wife makes an exaggerated “ahem!” to get his attention. He looks up from his book and sees his wife in lingerie that she hasn’t worn in years. “I’m just glad this still fits. What do you think?” “Wow. I think you better get over here right now”, he replies. With that, they have round two for the day. They haven’t had a round two in over 20 years.
After their very aggressive and surprisingly kinky round of sex, they lay in a sweaty pile together. “Wow..” he says. “I think I’ll need another shower. I’m soaked.” She laughs and starts squeezing his biceps. “Mmmm..I do like these arms of yours. Maybe I should start going to the gym with you. Gotta keep those gym bunnies away. Can’t have you getting any ideas.” He laughs and then makes a mental note. “Gotta post a message on the group tomorrow. This is insane.”
After much smiling and reflecting on the night before, our hero just can’t shake one all-encompassing thought: “It’s like she likes me more when I’m an asshole. That is kind of fucked up.”
To that very common reaction I say this: You’re not being an asshole. You’re being an adult. You’re being a man. The thought that you have to “nice guy” your way through life has been hammered into your brain for so long that just being “normal” and “strong” is seen as “weird” and “assholish” to you. No, your wife doesn’t necessarily LIKE assholes… but she does like strength and leadership. She does like a person with boundaries. She likes men. Adult men. Adult men with options in life.
Welcome to the other side, my friend! Enjoy it. You have more work to do.