Picture it… a woman grabs her husband by the hand and leads him to the couch. “Sit down”, she says in a no-bullshit tone. She then stands over him, pointing a finger in his face. “You, mister, need to get your act in gear. You’ve been sitting around and being lazy way too much. You’re way overweight now and you are NOT healthy. What kind of example is this for your kids? This is not the man I married. I’m worried about you and I’m frankly not attracted to THIS version of you. You need to turn things around.”
If you were to pull an audience of 100 people together to watch this scene unfold, 99 of them would say, “Good for her!” and “You go girl!”. This is tough love, after all.
This is being a true and loving partner.
This is something a lot of you need to do A LOT more of.
Some common things I hear:
“My wife has body hair that I don’t like. She skips shaving her legs for weeks at a time, she has chin whiskers that I think are gross… and I’m not sure how to get her to shave more without being a dick about it.”
“My wife bought a one-year pass to a local gym. She quit after one month. She’s about twenty pounds overweight and has no discipline. She has no drive to improve. I want to tell her to go to the gym, but I don’t want to be a dick about it.”
“My wife dresses like a very typical boring mom. She has zero sexy clothes. When we go out, she puts zero thought into her wardrobe. How do I get her to dress better without being a dick about it?”
“My wife has a shitty part-time job. She has her masters degree and does nothing with it. She basically makes enough to just pay for her Starbucks and pedicures. I pay everything else. I’ve lost respect for her. How can I tell her this without being a dick about it?”
See the pattern? A LOT of men have become conditioned to play the part of the NICE guy within their marriage. Ironically, they do the NOT-SO-NICE job of sitting back and watching their partner become a lesser version of themselves… all because they don’t want to be a dick.
Being a good partner means sometimes playing the part of being a dick. It means playing the role of the tough love boss man. It means being honest. Women have learned this generations ago, and have ZERO problem pointing out their man’s faults. Yes, it hurts his feelings. Yes, we consider it “nagging”. Yes, it’s annoying to hear negativity on a regular basis…. But, hey… at least she’s not hiding her feelings about you in the moment.
When you pull your wife aside and tell her to “knock it off” or that her behavior is wildly unattractive, what are you saying? You’re saying, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not a “for sure no matter what” thing. You’re a human who has wants and needs. Desires. You have criteria for a partner. A hairy, overweight, underemployed slob doesn’t cut it for a guy of your caliber. The good news is that she is capable of better and you believe in her… otherwise you would’ve left back when the bad behavior first started.
Don’t be afraid of confrontation. Yes, it results in drama. Probably MAJOR drama. If you have been Mr. Nice Guy for years and suddenly you tell your wife that she needs to shave her legs more often because it feels like you’re touching a guy… well, expect the screaming or crying to happen.
“Are you saying that you don’t find me attractive? That’s a pretty terrible thing to say to your wife, don’t you think?”
“Why all of a sudden are you telling me this? Are you having an affair?”
“Why should I have to shave my legs and lose weight?”
“Are you saying you’re going to leave me if I don’t do these things?”
Solution: Answer honestly. Always err on the side of honesty. Get it out in the open. Obviously, it really bothers you, so tell her. You’re not one of the countless couples that sits in marriage counseling yelling things out like, “Well, why didn’t you just TELL me that you didn’t like that?!”
Before you go down the road of brutal honesty with your spouse, point that finger at yourself first. Are you leading by example? Are you keeping up your appearance? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you hitting the gym? Are you mastering your profession? In other words, you gotta walk the walk before you can talk the talk.
Women have ZERO issues pointing the finger back at the pot-belly husband who tells his wife to go shave her legs. She’ll just look down at your overlapping belly, laugh, and go right back to the couch without even thinking about getting out the razor. She lost respect for you long ago. You might as well talk to a brick wall.
Put in the hard work, make yourself an undeniably good dude, see if she follows. If not, it’s time to play the part of the tough love husband who expects more from his spouse. Flip the tables. Make her earn the reward of your partnership.