For some guys going through the process outlined in The Dead Bedroom Fix, they eventually get to the point where they realize, “What a minute… I’m doing a shit ton of work here. What exactly has SHE done?” Then the resentment builds. Then he has very real thoughts about maybe NOT putting in the work anymore and just calling it quits and filing for divorce. This happens surprisingly fast for some men (I outlined the typical mindset in Chapter six of The DB Fix). One day they have dreams of reigniting their sex life within their marriage… then they see the guy in the mirror looking way better… then they see that they are overall more confident and manly and getting more respect from peers… then they start getting attention from other women. Younger women. Prettier women. Some of these women may be VERY blunt about their interest in having sex with him. His head is spinning. Then he comes home to HER.
She’s grumpy. She’s overweight. She’s stressed. She’s complaining. About what? Everything. Yes, she does seem to be more attracted to him now… but it’s STILL not to the level of intimacy that he wants and NEEDS at this point in his life. He would love to see her wake up and put in the same kind of effort that he is putting in. If she would do that, then their relationship would be a thousand times better and everyone would be happy.
What’s going on here is pretty simple:
He now recognizes his value. His “value “, as he sees it, is determined by the response he’s getting from others. Men respect him and women want him. This is the validation he naturally craves as a man. NOW he sees what he is capable of attracting in life. This is the same kind of feelings some women in affairs get. A common scenario is that the woman starts a new job or joins a new gym. She’s introduced to a wealthier, more ambitious or more attractive group of people. She returns home to her stay-at-home husband who is making cupcakes with the kids… and suddenly her vagina dries up like the Sahara. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that coming. This is, in part, why the guy’s wife was freaking out when her husband started going to the gym so much and dressing better. She knows how tough it is to keep up.
In the mating game of relationships, more often than not it is the MAN who is the pursuer. He’s the one that gets the car to attract women. He’s the one that takes up guitar and starts a band… so that he can get women. He’s the one that likes to buy flowers and gifts for his dates… because he wants to get laid. The scenario of the guy giving and giving to women…It’s a stereotype for a reason. Rarely does that stereotype involve the WOMAN giving gifts and doing things to try and WIN over the male. UNLESS… that man pushes the woman’s buttons to a degree that she is over-the-top “in love” (lust) and she will do all she can to win him over. These women will morph themselves to be more like their mate. They will be very sexual. They will be very giving. They will validate him at every opportunity. After all, they are doing all they can to keep their man.
When guys tell me they want more out of their wife, that early “in love/lust” behavior is what they want to see. Some men get this or some semblance of it from their wife again, and they are elated. Most men do not. Most men realize that they have to work and work and become the best man they can be and the end result seems to get no better than one great sex session per week, and may one or two other mediocre sessions that same week… and a wife who spends a great deal of her time complaining about everything.
Then the man starts thinking, “Buffy, the hot chick at work that keeps telling me she wants me and showed me her butt in the break room… I bet she doesn’t complain all the time. I bet we would have sex multiple times a day and it would be amazing. I bet she never complains about her stretch marks and how fat she feels. Sigh…”
No, that may very well be true. Your wife cannot compete with Buffy in that department. She knows that. Everyone knows that. A big part of your wife’s anxiety has to deal with her aging body and both the stressful home life of kids and the career that she now wishes she never took on all those years ago. Buffy doesn’t have all of that baggage. Buffy is just hot and stupid. Fortunately for Buffy, there are about a million men ready to take her to Poundtown, USA.
The male libido can be a cruel thing. Is there any wonder why porn is a billion dollar industry? Is there any wonder why we have strip clubs in every city? When’s the last time you drove on the wrong side of town and saw male prostitutes walking around trying to flag down women to pay for their services? Exactly. Men have a great deal of sexual energy that is not getting out in the way that they need. The market recognizes this need and has responded accordingly. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.
You want your wife to put in the work? Sorry, my man… there’s only one way to that. That is MORE WORK on your part. You must play the part of the leader. You let her know what you expect from her as a spouse. You put down boundaries. You set expectations. NO, that doesn’t mean saying, “We must have sex 7 times per week or I’m gone”. What it does mean is, “I expect a certain positive attitude. I expect that you will put the same level of work into your health and fitness like I do. I want to see you working on your attitude, much like I work on my own. I expect you to give up those bad habits of yours and start cultivating new ones. Why? Because I’m your husband, and a damn good one. You see what all I’ve been putting into myself. I think our marriage is worth that level of work. If you want to remain my wife, then you better jump on this train and get with the program.”
Note that none of the above “talk” has anything to do with sex. That’s not the paramount issue here. That’s just a symptom of a bigger problem.
This “talk” is not the talk from a guy who hasn’t been to the gym in years. This is not talk from a guy who got laid off from work and hasn’t had any real job prospects for months. This is not the talk from a guy who could be dropped off at any bar anywhere and never pick up a woman. This is the talk you get from a high value husband who any woman would be lucky to have. This is the talk from a guy with options in life. This is the talk of a LEADER.
Your wife is a woman. She’s probably never had to “earn” love and attention from a man. If you’re like most of the guys I do one-on-one coaching with, you probably met your wife very early on. You played the typical mating game. You “won” her affection. You got married, had kids, and here you are today. That’s your own personal relationship baggage. You have to put in a lot of hard work to completely redo the framework of your relationship. For some men, going through their own changes is enough to “wake up” the wife and watch her whip her butt into shape, emotionally and physically. For others, she needs a little extra push. The flame was lit, now you need to throw gasoline on the fire.
Remember, men who stick their neck out there and play the part of the leader sometimes don’t get what they want. Your wife may very well say, “No”. Translation: “You’re not really worth all that hard work. That sounds extremely uncomfortable, and I’m happy being in the state I’m currently in. So… take it or leave it, big boy.”
Then it’s decision time.
“Why Do I Have To Do All The Work?”
