This is a common scenario.
Man and wife have a typical boring married relationship. They have kids. They both work. They’re very busy. Man is upset at the lack of sex. Wife is fully aware that he wants sex, but she has zero desire or ability to get into that head-space most of the time. Man pressures wife with “the talk”. Wife submits and gives the man pity sex. This appeases the man for a few weeks. Then he starts pouting and whining again. Rinse and repeat.
“Everything is great… except for the sex” the man will say. They have a great house, great jobs, great kids, a car, a dog, and the annual beach vacation. The man is happy and as far as he’s concerned… so is she. Yeah, their sex life sucks… but HE’S the one complaining, not her. She seems perfectly content with once a month sex. So… she must be even happier than he is. Everything is smooth sailing for her… right?
Then, it happens. Either the worst-case scenario of the husband discovering his wife’s affair, or the wife approaches the man one day and gives him the patented “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” speech. When pressed further, the wife may say something like, “I’ve not been happy for years” or even worse “I’m not sure I’ve ever really loved you.”
The man is in shock. This… this makes zero sense. Then he says what all men in his shoes say: “If she was so unhappy all these years, why didn’t she just tell me?”
There are a couple of avenues of thought you can go down here:
1. She’s having an affair. This means that anything and everything out of her mouth about your relationship is to be ignored. Yes, she will drop some nuggets of truth on you, but these will be mixed with so much bullshit that it’s just easier to completely ignore her. Since she’s in an affair, her brain is completely fogged by the feel-good chemicals that come with being infatuated and in love with another human. There is nothing in the world that can compete with those feelings… not even your comfortable and secure relationship with her. As far as she can remember, she’s never felt like this before. Therefore, what she had with you couldn’t be as good and “True” as this love she’s feeling at this moment. Therefore, she needs to do whatever she can to push you away.
2. She wanted passion, romance, love, excitement, eroticism, security, domesticity, parenthood… yes, she wanted it all. Her needs in the relationship were like a game of wack-a-mole. They popped up sporadically throughout the time of her relationship. There was a particular relationship mole that was neglected for a too long, and she decided that her man was no longer up for the job of husband. Remember, women file 70 – 80% of the divorces. They’re very adept at discovering gaps in the relationship and they can be quick to determine that the best course of action is to leave and start over.
So, to answer the question of WHY she didn’t tell you…. Well, first she may just be lying because she is in affair brain mode, or… she may be telling you the truth and she’s been living in a state of emotional limbo with you for years. Maybe she felt trapped by the kids and societal expectations placed on her. Maybe she was wanted more out of life. Maybe she wasn’t necessarily miserable, but instead completely unfulfilled as a person with only so many years left on the planet.
Remember, women don’t communicate overtly. They don’t often say, “I am unhappy, and here is why and what we can do to make me happier”. They will often plant the seeds of disdain and watch how the man responds. You can think of these as part of the “shit tests” we covered before. The concept of “testing” seems to permeate all aspects of their psyche. They sit back and watch. They want to see the REAL you. They want to see what a good husband you are. If she tells you what to do, and you do it… that just makes you a good order-taker. What’s more of a turnoff than some subservient man?
Hey, people leave marriages. People do it for a variety of reasons. This goes back to my fundamental principle about marriage: Most people just aren’t cut out for it. It really is that simple. She may have been part of the majority that doesn’t have the temperament, personality or emotional tools necessary to make a long-term relationship work. Live and learn.
“Why Didn’t She Tell Me She Was Unhappy?”
