A lot of men reentering the dating world or battling a dead bedroom explain that they’ve lost their ability to flirt (game). This is understandable. You’ve been focused on building your career, raising children, and running the family machine. The problem here is keeping the sexiness alive in a marriage takes a lot of work. Monogamy is not completely exclusive to humans but, is very rare in the animal kingdom. Imagine if you had to continue to continuously do all the things you did when you were first dating your now wife to get the great sex and overall fulfillment you desire so much.
Well, my dudes that’s exactly what you have to do. Imagine a never-ending fishing trip of catch and release with the same fish over and over but, you have to change lures, bait, fishing line, poles, locations, times of day to continuously catch the exact same fish. Yep, that’s exactly where you are at. It takes a metric fuck ton (unit of measure meaning a fucking lot of tons) of work.
Ralph reports in “The Dead Bedroom Fix” that ‘Married women are the easiest to pick up’. This is common knowledge amongst pick up artists and single men looking for a night of fun with some lucky girl. This is true because, these men only have to compete with one man. You. The problem here is your flirtation and mate attracting skills are rusted shut and Mr. Night of Fun’s game is on point. Your wife hasn’t truly felt that uneasy seduction in a long time. Let’s fix that right now.
Look the Part
I put this first for a reason. You can see further than you can hear, feel, touch, and taste. From an instinctual stand point many women want to mate with a man that appears to have good genes. A muscular build, dressed well, good personal hygiene, and with a bit of style that says “I’m fun and I have good genes you should wildly fuck me and make babies”. This is also the easiest thing to fix and master. I tend to attract not only my wife but, many other women. They flirt and joke with me all the time. Here is a checklist of things you can do:
– Attain the highest state of physical fitness you can and maintain it
– Dress one level better than the situation calls for (when appropriate)
– Pay attention to detail with your personal hygiene (haircut, beard maintenance, manscaping, smell)
– Study and project confident, safe for her/dangerous for threats, dominant body language and present that until it becomes routine. This is not some macho flex on everyone thing. This is an aura you either put out or you don’t. It has to be natural.
– Control your diet. I don’t care what kind of food you like. You cannot out fitness a bad diet. Fix it.
This takes work and constant maintenance and awareness. This should not be a circus monkey act but, a routine you incorporate in your daily life.
You’ll know very quickly when you start to get this right as you’ll start receiving positive attention from women and some negative attention from men in your social circle or acquaintances. Here are a few examples:
Women: “Hey you look nice today, I really like that shirt where did you get it?” or “Hey did you do something new with your hair? I really like it.”
Men: “What are you all dressed up for? Got a date or something?” or “Why are you always in the gym man? You act like you’ve got something to prove or something.”
For the women in these examples they are obviously complementing and evaluating your fitness in a positive way. Conversely, the men are throwing low grade cut downs your way to mask their own insecurities with your superior level of personal care. In other words, you are threatening to them.
Improve Your Conversational Skills
You’ve probably heard the saying “communication is key”. It is and it’s an art form. I tailor how and why I say things to the audience I’m addressing. My normal unfiltered self goes to friends, family, you guys, and people I generally know. For folks I don’t know I start conversation with neutral topics or humor and slowly test the waters by directing the conversation in a way I want it to go. Here’s an example I used to make a return at a clothing store the other day:
Me: Walks up to the customer relations desk. A young woman in her 20’s wearing a local college shirt and very form fitting Lulu lemon yoga pants is standing there typing on her computer.
“Ma’am, hey we gotta situation over in women’s clothing.”
Her: “Oh what’s wrong?”
Me: “Karen is upset she can’t use her 25% off coupon on an already discounted item and is tossing entire racks of clothing like Godzilla in Japan.”
Her: “What?!!!”
Me: “Ya I tried to lure her out with a trail of coupons but, she was foaming at the mouth and kind of scary.”
Her: starts to laugh knowing I’m only joking.
Me: “Okay gigs up. Check this out. I gotta make this return real quick. Can you help me out?”
Her: “oh yes of course! (laughs again).”
As she opens the computer, I’m evaluating her body language (open), looking at her attire and looking for an accessory to compliment her on that shows her personality. I see she has a unique watch on that I haven’t seen before.
Me: “I really like your watch. It puts the whole package together well. Nice selection.”
Her: “Oh thank you!”
Me: “They gonna let you off to this weekend or do I have to get Karen to talk to the manager about employee hours?”
Her: Laughs again. “Oh no please don’t get Karen involved, I’ll survive.”
Me: “Ok well I know many Karens and Momzillas so if you need someone to knock heads around just let me know.”
Her: Laughs and proceeds to process the return.
As I leave, she gets on her phone and starts texting and looking at me and laughing. I can easily tell she’s texting a girlfriend about this encounter.
I follow the directions she gave me to process the return and she comes running up to help as the guy she directed me to was not present. She apologizes like 80 times and goes out of her way to do it herself, give me another coupon, and checked my purchased items out.
Let’s dissect this a bit.
What she got out of the encounter: a story, self esteem boost, validation on her attire (my watch compliment), positive feelings, The most enjoyable 20 minutes of her shift.
What I got: excellent customer service, fun, a story, a coupon.
Things went my way and had I been a single dude, I would have without a doubt been in a prime position to get a date that night.
I used humor to open the door relating the known “karen joke/phenomena” and the shitty nature of customer relations with these people. I used compliments to give her a self esteem boost and get her in the state of mind to return the pleasant encounter through excellent service.
Manipulation on my part? No, not a chance. That’s me being who I am. I directed the conversation the way I wanted it to go to get the most desirable ends state (my return processed, my money back, and have a good time doing it). I stopped the encounter before it crossed any lines. I do this fairly regularly for the purpose of getting what I want AND maintaining attraction skills that I can use on my wife. It comes very naturally to me.
Tactics in flirting with your wife in conversation:
Humor: relate the known to the unknown, (Karen’s Godzilla behavior as an example above), light teasing- poke fun at her known quirks or something humorous you know she does, tell jokes, make fun out a less than desirable situation.
Compliments: Take an interest in what she wears, how she accessorizes, and how she takes care of herself. Before she can ask what, you think of an outfit give her a compliment (if it looks good). If you don’t like it tell her and give a suggestion and why you like the thing you are suggesting. This is the validation she needs to feel secure. It builds her confidence and self esteem that her man approves of her appearance.
Your Body Language: direct eye contact, smile, laugh, fun/ open dominant stance or open legged sitting in a comfortable manner (no hands in pockets, appendages crossed, hunching forward, or looking down or away)
Structure your conversation: Make the approach (closing the distance between you and her), open the conversation on a neutral topic, inject humor/teasing combo (direct the conversation), ask questions/pause and listen to response/evaluate response and ask subsequent questions or make funny remarks mixed with serious remarks. Close: end the conversation when you want it to and how you want it to end.
Flirting is a perishable skill for some. Perishable meaning you use it or you lose it. For those of you reading, I’m not condoning flirting with women other than your wives but, I am condoning improving your conversation skills with attractive women as a way to “take women off the pedestal” in general. This will make you unamused by a beautiful woman’s looks and allow you to direct things into how YOU want them to go by not being intimidated by physical features. This if used correctly, should translate into your marriage. This isn’t cheesy pick up lines or being sleezy. It’s being holistically attractive, a “catch”, the total package. Afterall you want women to wish they had you. Your wife will pick up on that and in doing so increase you “mate value”.
Physical Touch
I cannot tell you how many times my wife said the following: “Jack, I need non sexual affection from you”. She said this around 1,000 times before I actually heard it. What she really meant was “Don’t come home and immediately make sexual advances towards me after the day I’ve had. Be romantic, ease into it. Be generally affectionate to me.” That’s reasonable, that makes perfect sense and something I’ve changed.
Without going to deep into initiating sex (I’ve written an article on that topic) here’s how you effectively use non sexual affection to flirt.
In the dating world a critical sign to observe is how much physical touch a woman allows you to use. This gives you valuable information to use in deciding when and how to escalate sexually. A simple touch of the hand, leg, or especially face or waist is a clear indication that the woman is comfortable with you. You should absolutely relish these opportunities to build attraction. Hold her hand, run your finger through her hair, snuggle/cuddle her. Do all of that mushy ass shit as it compounds like interest.
Using your new found or rekindled conversational skills mix in non-sexual touch. As you compliment a watch, take her hand and guide it higher and closer to you. As you compliment her shirt place your hand on her back and pull her in closer. These are things you can naturally do. I make it a point to connect with my wife on this level everyday when it’s the right thing to do. Do not chase her around like a puppy touching her. That’s annoying. Before long you will be able to convert this interest into cash (converting into sexual escalation).
Read her body language. Does she need a non-sexual massage? Give it to her. Don’t escalate unless it’s right. A lot of you guys like to give foot rubs. Keep doing it without strings attached. Figure out what she likes and when and do those things. Recognize the patterns.
Make Your Own Fun Wherever You Go
People in general love to have fun. My wife and I are both extroverts and tend to be the life of the party wherever we are. That’s us. Here are some ways you can have fun with your wife and use the above-mentioned tactics throughout.
Competitive events- My wife and I always end up playing against each other when we go out. We ended up on separate teams playing kick ball (my team won 14-2) at a party last month. I heckled/chirped her while she was up to kick (teasing). We’ve went white water rafting, we’ve done obstacle courses, axe throwing, shooting firearms, hiking, mountain climbing, and a ton of other events. These are great opportunities to lead her through the adventure, exhibit your masculine dominance in activities, and flirt with her the entire time. Merely going out to dinner is boring. Fuck that. Take her on an adventure. I took her on a walk on an isolated beach in South Carolina not too long ago and pulled her behind a tree and kissed her then pulled away. She loved it. Capitalize on these opportunities. That’s spontaneous and sexy. Competition tends to bring out people’s best efforts use it!
Try new things: Sometimes it’s good to change things up and chose an activity that neither of you have any skill in. This can create a lot of humor and teasing opportunities that you can capitalize on. If your wife is anything like mine, she’ll probably send some humor and teasing your way too. For me this would be things anything to do with art, karaoke, pottery making, dancing, or other dumb shit I really don’t feel like doing but, will do it to say I did it. I inevitably end up having a blast by just taking over the event anyway and making my own fun. For example, I made a pot that I called “The African Dick Gourd”. It was hilarious and as you can probably tell I’m super proud of this. The leader of this exercise was not amused. I refused to give a shit about the instructor’s inability to appreciate my masterpiece. This created non stop laughs as the instructor tried to coach me into making a more “modest pot”. This is not my style. Make your own fun out of thin air.
Hopefully, this has caused you to reach deep down into your dating history when you were a bachelor and had some game. Dig those skills out of the attic, dust them off, and start using them again. This will probably be met with some resistance from her. Don’t get discouraged. Stay the course.