This story is VERY common amongst our warfighters. Some young guy from somewhere (often the Midwest and the South of the U.S.) who needs an out and is willing to risk it all to do it. That was me. I found myself immediately plunged into a world that revolved around unspeakable violence. The infantry and other direct combat roles are not for the weak, faint hearted, or those who joined for benefits alone. It’s for the true believers and believe me there is a difference in mentality. The Army gave me purpose. That purpose was to fight and win. That purpose was to master my craft of perfecting the art of war down to my level. I was all in. I loved playing Army as a kid, and I loved doing it as a newly minted adult man. Through my 20’s and 30’s I was repeatedly deployed to Iraq, Afghanistan, and other contingency operations. When I was home, I wasn’t really home. We’d take 30 days off after a deployment and then the training cycle begins again until the next deployment. I always knew my purpose was to heal up, train up, kiss my wife and kids goodbye and go fight where I was told to fight and win wherever I fought.
I slowly came to realization around 2017 that the Army could not holistically provide me with my life’s purpose. I began to realize that one of the Army values (selfless service) had a big hole in it. “What about me and what I want?” I thought. I began to realize that no one gives a shit about you more than you and a large organization such as the Army only cares to a point because that’s how it’s designed. I found that thoughts on purpose were changing in the macro, and it was beginning to shift my views of how long I would stay in the Army. I had 15 years’ service at the time I began having these thoughts and epiphanies. I had a minimum of 5 years to get to the coveted “20 and out” retirement. I ultimately ended up doing 22 years. I was selected for a First Sergeant position in the Basic Combat Training enterprise of the U.S. Army. I absolutely hated it. I was in the wrong enclosure of Jurassic Park. I didn’t’ even feel like I was in the Army anymore. The rose-colored glasses came off and I saw some sides of the Army that I wanted nothing to do with. It wasn’t fun anymore, it wasn’t validating, and I was miserable. The writing was on the wall.
Skip forward 5 years in time and I find myself on the terminal approach to retirement. I was actively seeking out a W-2, 9-5 job. Everyone kept telling me “J you’ve worked your ass off. You’ve done so much. What do you really want to do after you retire?” I honestly thought I had to go get the new career and be a cog in some facet of corporate America. Part of my struggle to focus was due to the extreme stress I was going through as a single father of 3 school aged children, managing a messy divorce, and simultaneously working all the angles of the 2 year long process it is to retire from the Army. I was hearing but, I wasn’t listening to what everyone was telling me about being a civilian. “Dude, you literally can do whatever you want so, what do YOU WANT to do?” I was looking at it from a survival lens of doing what must be done instead of what I wanted to do.
After all the dust and smoke settled and I received my final compensation numbers came through and I was officially retired I realized that I could choose how I want to live my life. Now not all veterans have this choice. If your financial situation dictates that you must work the W-2 job then that’s what you have to do. I realized that I needed had been hyper focused on building security for my children and I and while very necessary and valid, that is not the same thing as finding life purpose. It has very little to do with employment. For many years the Army provided me a great sense of purpose along with being a husband, father, and many other things. That was merely a chapter of my life though.
Once I felt safe, I was finally able to look at what I really wanted. A few things were immediately clear: I wanted the freedom of owning my time (this meant following my entrepreneurship ventures), I wanted to enjoy my life and to stop saying no to the things that bring me joy and validation. I realized that one of the best things I’ve ever done is giving to others that are deserving. I realized that I’m passionate about helping people and especially other veterans. This holistic look really helped me restructure my thinking and adopt a new lifestyle.
As a veteran you must do the same thing. Ask yourself a few questions:
- What makes you come alive?
- What are your talents?
- What are your hobbies?
- What do you really want out of life?
Here are a few tips to add to the answers to your questions:
- Find a mentor that is doing what you want to be doing and ask for help.
- Find a community (hint: HFM veterans!) of like-minded people to network and enjoy company with.
- Practice mindfulness to increase your self awareness.
- Build a personal vision statement fed from your answers to the questions I listed above.
The truth about finding purpose is that it tends to present itself in chapters in your life. It requires refinement by you and being present enough to adjust course gradually over time. It’s a journey not a destination. Military service and other roles that serve a larger purpose can give you validation and a great sense of serving the greater good for many years. It can’t be the only thing though. It’s time to start figuring that out.