Being assertive and taking the lead is always at the forefront of what we talk about here within the DSO group. From the bedroom to the workplace, we always suggest taking the initiative and being a leader. However, it is very common to hear guys who are hesitant to express what they want when it comes to taking that step in the bedroom. As the title of my upcoming meeting on this topic suggests, there is a good chance that she wants you to “kick it up a notch.” However, don’t take my word for it. I went straight to the source and sat down with a good friend to talk about what she expects and how to keep things exciting. Here is our conversation around being assertive in the bedroom. I hope you enjoy reading it half as much as I enjoyed the actual conversation.
T.H. Thanks for taking some time to sit down with me and having this conversation. I wanted to start off by just laying it out on the table and see where the conversation goes from there. What are your thoughts on a man’s role in the bedroom, specifically around being assertive with intimacy??
M.K. “I believe that assertiveness is a huge factor of what women want in general out of a relationship, not just in bed. That being said, we want a man who will take charge of not only his pleasure, but also ours. Plain and simple, we want excitement, and just like men, we want to cum.
I also feel that the term “assertive” can be misleading for men when it comes to intimacy in the bedroom.
Assertiveness isn’t just about taking charge and driving it hard. We need sugar, spice, and everything nice to warm up the icing on the Cinnabon. We want to feel wanted. Sex for women isn’t necessarily visual. Sex for women is about connection, emotion, and passion. (C.E.P)
When a man can master C.E.P, his primal instinct to be assertive will flourish. Don’t just smack her on the ass and give her your seed. Listen to her body, read her face, and let your energy radiate and vibrate through her body.
T.H. So what does that look like for you? Would you rather a guy go for it or stop and ask your limitations?
M.K. By the time you get to the bedroom, there should be no limitations or rather those limitations should be predefined before you get there; I don’t want a man pussyfooting around and asking for permission. He should know my hard limits and what’s free game and recognize and acknowledge if something is working. Granted, that seems like a lot when men are simple creatures but being in tune with what she’s enjoying leads to a comfortability that gives a man more power.”
T.H. Does it surprise you that men seem to be very awkward when it comes to this topic, especially married men even towards their wife of many years?
M.K. Yes and no. I think sex is taboo for a lot of people. There are not enough people that express their desires, and, weirdly, you’ll share a life with someone, but not your sexual desires? I feel like married men’s main complaint is that their wife stopped wanting to have sex with them. They want to talk about that in men’s groups and whatnot as a reason why a relationship didn’t work out. The problem is your wife didn’t stop wanting to have sex with you! She stopped wanting boring sex with you. Women like excitement and adventure. Ask her.
T.H. That’s an interesting point, but it also brings up something you mentioned earlier prior to the conversation: this is a tough topic to answer knowing that you are more open with what you want in the bedroom. If we presume that this is not the case with most women and feel free to disagree, how can we men ease the anxiety that comes with being more open when it comes to sexuality?
M.K. Communication and foreplay inside and outside of the bedroom are essential. Foreplay isn’t just warming her up in the bedroom before slipping it in. It’s stimulating her mind all day long. Get her thinking about sex, talking about boundaries, suggest something new, go to a sex store. I think the problem is a lot of times, by the time sex gets stale, guys turn to porn, or their idea of spicing things up is introducing a third person into the mix when what they really need to be doing is focusing on the woman they are already with and how to turn her on. Women just want to feel wanted. Chances are if you initiate the conversation or the sexual adventure, she’s going to reciprocate.
T.H. So the takeaway from that response is the time to start finding out what’s acceptable is well before the lights go out at night. Speaking of which, I think a lot could be said to leaving the lights on. In other words, if you are trying to identify if she is on board or even trying to bring her on board, this starts long before sex is even initiated. We talk about that a lot during our conversations, setting the stage long before taking the stage.
M.K. As far as communication goes, pick your timing. Flirt with her and send her something sexy while she’s at home doing laundry. If you want to talk about sex, don’t do it in the middle of her multitasking- cooking dinner and bathing the kids, etc. take her out to dinner, make it a one-on-one conversation where there are no other distractions for either of you.
T.H. That’s also a good point; often, the place of the conversation will dictate the response to the discussion. Ok, so you are open about identifying what you want but what are your thoughts when it comes to a guy? Is there an expectation that they need to be in control? Would you rather have a guy that is passive or aggressive when it comes to that?
M.K. The ultimate goal is pleasure for both parties. If I’m going to be open about what I want, I expect him to do the same. I definitely want someone who’s going to be more aggressive and lead the way. Although not to say he always has to make the first move. Alternatively, if I tell him I need to be on top to get off, at some point, he’s going to have to give me that control. And if a woman is guiding you with her hand or giving you directions or moaning for God’s sake, don’t stop! And don’t do something different
T.H. Let’s talk a little more about taboo. You mentioned that sex is still taboo for many people out there, and I agree, but I also add certain elements of sex are even more taboo. I presume there are limits to your sexual exploration, and therefore how does the conversation come up? In my mind, if it is something I am interested in, I am just going to go for it and let your reaction navigate the path forward. Not all guys are that comfortable but most of the guys in this group are married. Should they just ask, or does that remove some of the excitement of “in the moment?
M.K. This is a tough one for me. There’s a lot of room for the interpretation of taboo. What might be vanilla for one couple could be x-rated for another. Me, personally, I like to set boundaries before. On the other hand, just because I didn’t like anal with a previous partner doesn’t mean it might not be enjoyable with my current partner, but chances are I’m never going to try it if I don’t feel safe with the person I am with. I think it goes back to making your partner feel comfortable. When we lose all inhibitions, in the moment, sometimes it’s easier just to let things happen and “pillow talk” it out later. If you’re going to just go for it, I would definitely start small. Do something that’s going to benefit her. Blindfold her and let her lose herself to your touch. If you’re going hard, place your hand around her neck, see if she pulls it tighter or looks perturbed. Recognizing how she’s feeling in that moment is definitely going to determine how that plays out for you.
T.H. When you talk about making your partner comfortable, what are your thoughts on verbal encouragement, i.e., sex talk? I think words of encouragement are essential, especially when you are looking to push the boundaries some. What are your thoughts on communication during sex? Is it awkward? Is it a turn-on, take it or leave it? I always thought that if she is really hitting my buttons, I am going to express that, but some people are just quiet. If I want you to be open to trying new things, then when you do, I want to make sure you know I am enjoying it and vice versa. Sure, you could argue body language says a lot, but so does a well-placed “oh my god.”
M.K. I definitely think sex talk (and eye contact) can take any sexual experience to a new level. It doesn’t have to be a whole role-playing porno script. In fact, that can get pretty awkward pretty quickly. There’s no better way to ruin the mood than a guy saying, ” you like that baby?” When you really aren’t enjoying it. The most sincere moans and words of encouragement are what’s really going to keep it going. I want to hear it all. I want to know when a guy’s enjoying himself, if he notices how wet he’s got me, and most importantly, when he’s going to cum. 9/10 if I’m riding a guy and I know he’s about to blow, it sets me off. Equally I think it’s just as important for a woman to be vocal, but again that goes back to feeling comfortable and unjudged.
T.H. So that makes a nice little segue into my next question, what are your thoughts on porn. We both agree that it can create problems within a relationship, but can it also be a stimulant as well? I have always found this one difficult to answer because personally, I just don’t like it, but I also understand the stimulating value it provides for others.
M.K. Porn is a hard category for me as well. I, myself, am not too fond of it. I think it can be overused by single or unsatisfied men (and women), the same way single or unsatisfied women can overuse a vibrator. The negative effects of watching porn and vibrator stimulation are that it sets unrealistic expectations for sex and can potentially ruin your sex life. On the other hand, I don’t ever count anything out. I do see how it could be beneficially stimulating if both parties find it a turn-on. In that case, search categories together, find out what she really likes, and potentially give her the real-life version later.
T.H. What I really want to focus on is the scenario of a relationship that has gone stale or died over years of just living life in general. I think a lot can be overlooked in newer relationships just because the newness hides a lot of the inadequacies. Have you been in a relationship where the passion started to die, or the sex became boring?
M.K. Yes, of course. I’ve been married and divorced. EVERY relationship has the potential to burn out. You said it; the newness of a relationship hides a lot of inadequacies in more than just sexual terms. And then life happens, and you get comfortable and complacent. A lot of times, factors like kids, weight gain, overworking get in the way of that original sexual attraction, and the passion gets swept under the rug
T.H. I ask that question in preparation for this question which is around the “how?” We already talked about limitations with sexual exploration due to previous societal views and taboos. A guy who recognizes that sex is not even an option with his SO at the moment can’t very well kick open the door waving a dildo and talking about anal. I always recommend guys use humor as a way to break down the barrier. Most of us have seen GoT, which has its share of sex scenes, use this opportunity to break the ice and have a lighthearted conversation about the sex scenes. Another example I use is when shopping at Walmart, intentionally direct her to the condom aisle and just stand there reading packages out loud. Whatever it takes to break the ice and make it fun and lighthearted with no implied expectation. Eventually, joking around that the cock rings at Walmart are on sale will lead to the “Hey, let’s buy one and take it for a ride.” So, given your personal experience, what would you suggest guys do to start turning that loss of desire around?
M.K. You mean without coming across as just looking for to get laid, but genuinely concerned?
T.H. Yeah, how do you recommend turning the tables when you’ve already lost interest and feel that he is just trying to get some ass? I hear a lot of complaints that any attempt to turn the tables is met with resistance from her as just an attempt to get laid.
M.K. My biggest advice is that, again, it starts outside the bedroom. The foreplay, the flirting, the passion, it’s about effort and initiative for women. Effort is sexy. Don’t just come home after a long day and climb on top of her and wonder why she’s not in the mood for another boring session…
Do something out of the ordinary.
Be assertive before you ever get her in bed. Plan a date night, make her get dressed up and feel sexy. Get yourself a haircut, open her door, remind her of that lost attraction. Take her somewhere quiet where you can actually talk about sex, go to a sex store, have sex somewhere besides your bed! Role-play. Make it fun. Make her laugh. When she’s feeling sexy and confident, she’s going to let you be in charge. And then when you’re done and both in that vulnerable pillow talk state, talk about it!!! Ask her what she enjoyed, make suggestions, keep it going! It’s not a one-time fix; it’s just a start to reigniting that fire for her and opening up that subject for conversation.
T.H. Timing is critical here clearly, and I think it goes without saying that expectations of an immediate shift in desire are not realistic. If I get what you’re saying, the work needs to start well before there is any chance of sexual intimacy? If you wait until you are on a date to start getting flirty, it’s going to come across as an expectation of what happens after the date. If you shoot a dick pic on the way out the door to work, it removes the expectation of an immediate tit for tat. Speaking of which, we talked about porn and how men tend to be more visual, but do dick pics do anything for women? If not, what are some ways that I guy can get you thinking about sex?
M.K. (Laughing loudly)
T.H. (laughing) I noticed you laughed when I said dick pic. Is it really that is hilarious?
M.K. No, it’s just hearing you call it out as a dick pic, it’s just hilarious.
T.H. Is this an old man joke?
M.K. Look, just because I like some things in my mouth doesn’t mean I like words being put in there… (laughing) No, it’s not an old man joke, but I will plead the 5th on this. I’m going to go with no on the dick pics for a majority of the female vote… I’m not saying pictures don’t help, but women read sexy novels so they can imagine what’s happening. I mean, come on guys you know women are way better at using their imagination and making shit up in their head than looking at hard evidence. Maybe sending her a simple sexy message or shirtless picture that you took on a random Monday and saved just to send her later is appropriate. Still, she’s not interested in opening a subpar picture of your dick while at the gym or folding laundry…. that leaves nothing to the imagination but maybe disappointment.
T.H. I wondered how far into this we would make it before the sexual innuendos came up (laughing). We actually made it further than I thought, but I think that brings up my last point: don’t take it so seriously. Relax, have fun, and enjoy the moment. Hell, we are talking about ass sex and dildos here. If you can’t joke about that, it’s going to be hard to lighten the mood. So, what are your thoughts on that? Does the sex always have to be so focused, or is there a place for giggles and jokes?
M.K. Oh yes, definitely. Sex should be an equal balance of passion and fun. You have to be able to laugh and joke, especially if you’re trying new things.
T.H. Well, look, this was amazing, and I can’t say enough how much I appreciate you taking the time to have this conversation, it was definitely fun, and you’re a good sport. I am sure we will sit down again and talk about some other topics that come up, maybe not as “taboo” but still fun nonetheless.
Being Assertive – What Are Her Thoughts on YOU Controlling The Bedroom?
