My previous marriage was a failure for several reasons, but in the center of all of it was the complete incompatibility of our sex lives. In the beginning, my ex was very forward with what he wanted, and I went along with it because I felt pressured but also went along out of teenage curiosity but I never enjoyed it. I faked it, felt guilty for not enjoying it, sucked it up. Nowadays some people would call that rape, I just call it “I wasn’t ready for it but I knew what I was doing and I now wish I hadn’t”.
I kept going like that for years, leading my ex on. Once we were married, I started saying “No” mostly because I felt comfortable now to do so. Eventually he stopped asking and I was at peace. Was I still sexual? Hell yeah, I was turned on by things, I just was NEVER turned on by my ex-husband. Yes, that’s terrible. In hindsight I can’t imagine how awful that must have felt to him.
Only when he started pulling away and when I entered my 30s, feeling more secure in my role as a female and as a sexual being, I was now the one wanting sex. But he would no longer deliver.
And that’s where I learned just how important sex is for a marriage. In our society we have this dissonance between A. an oversexualization of almost everything and B. a romanticized idea of how relationships are pure and full of love. Hollywood suggests that you meet ‘The One’ and it’s all violins and jazz solos when you kiss and … “The End”. There’s a reason it doesn’t go past that in most movies and all the sequels that we know are crap. Why is that?
Because it’s complicated. In the rush of falling in love we are all wearing our rose-colored glasses, we ignore potential red flags, we feel desired and desire back, we are intoxicated with the hormonal rush going through our bodies. All is great. Some of that is really true biology, female testosterone levels are much higher in the early phases of dating, so are men’s. Once both are in a long-term relationship, both testosterone levels drop.
And now fast forward to the routine of work, managing a household, juggling kids’ schedules, and dealing with mom and dad bods and things look a lot different. Add to that the lower testosterone levels and you have two blobs sitting on a couch binging Netflix shows and spending one sexless night after another like that.
The difference is that men still have higher testosterone levels and men are still wired to want sex. It’s a biological urge, they think about sex several times a day, they still wake up with erections, it’s just really high on their list of things that make their day.
Women…not so much. Women are the jugglers of everything in a family. They wake up and fall asleep with a thousand thoughts racing through their heads from grocery lists to meal plans, to why the 4 year old still is throwing tantrums and why they are failing as a mom, then they also remember that they have those extra pounds on their hips and wonder how to hide those on the upcoming beach vacation and that reminds them that they haven’t had sex in a while but they really don’t feel like it, probably because it’s PMS time, too. And just when they drift into sleep they realize – shoot – weren’t they supposed to make those costumes for the 3rd grade play next month! Yeah, you get the gist: it’s fucking tiring. We have sex on our minds, too, but it’s just kind of drowning in all the other things on our list and then sex becomes just another to do item, a chore, an expectation, another thing we HAVE to do. And that kills our libido.
However, that all changes the second women enter their spin class and start drooling over that topless sweaty instructor barking orders at them. What’s different?
It’s the most basic of things: us women want the toy in the sandbox that everyone wants and not only that, we want to prove to everyone that we are the MOST deserving of that toy. Yes, we have a toy at home, but that toy is a bit worn and none of our friends really want to play with it. In a recent interview with Esther Perel, a psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, she emphasized just how narcissistic female sexuality is. For us, it is all about being the Queen Bee. We want to be swarmed by males, we want all the attention, we want to drive our males crazy with want for us and we want to drown in the pleasure we get from it. And above all: we want to show everyone else that WE are the queens. Stealing the shiny toy that everyone wants is the ultimate reward. In the early dating phase we get a huge rush out of that, we experience a lot of pleasure because a lot of that pleasure happens in our heads. Once women are in a long-term relationship with all its associated routines their head is already not in the right place, many need a lot of foreplay to get into that headspace and sometimes it’s just easier to scratch that itch with the handy sex toy that was secretly bought. It is SO MUCH easier than explaining to their husbands of 8 years that what they are doing no longer works for them. Many womens’ bodies and minds have changed in childbirth and the same moves that used to work, now just don’t. But it’s embarrassing for women to talk about that. We don’t want our husbands to feel sexually incompetent. We don’t want to admit that we want pleasure. It’s shameful to be sexually demanding as a woman, there’s the whole “slut stigma” around that. We don’t feel comfortable explaining what exactly we need and sometimes we just don’t actually know how to explain it. So many women choose to just “get it over with” and then hide in the bathroom later and use a sex toy to meet their needs.
So what to do?
I got a second shot at marriage. Now I know that it would have saved me a lot of trouble if I had said what I wanted early on in my previous marriage. And if I had said it not in a fight, but in a very uncomfortable, awkward conversation. However, I was a teen and not ready for these conversations.
In a society that has infantilized us with instant gratification tools (including porn) and ideas of entitlement – a lot of us still act like kids. But there’s a reason we call it “adult time”. And if we want to do adult stuff, we need to act like adults and take responsibility to work for what we want, step away from societal stigmas and stop pouting.
Luckily, I am an adult now and I married an adult (known to you as the DSO).
Sex is as important and normal to us as brushing our teeth at night. We need our adult time to reconnect after a long busy day. It’s on our minds, it’s not an afterthought or a chore. It’s a need for us to stay connected. But it’s not coming from nowhere. We have failed a marriage before, we know a ring on our fingers is not an automated guarantee that it all works out. So we have five unwritten rules that we live by: they circle around self care, constant foreplay/intimacy, adult time to balance the kid time and communication.
1. Self-care: It’s sometimes almost a secret competition. We always work towards being that toy in the sandbox that everyone wants. We work out. Yes sometimes it’s just an evening walk together. We eat healthy. Yes we have “cheat days”, too. But sex is a game of attraction, most of us are not as attractive as they were in their early 20s, that’s reality. Nonetheless, you can still strive to be your best self. Women especially feel sexier when they work out and are fit. I had surgery earlier this year and did not like my body and it took a toll on me. But DSO never made me feel unattractive, he noticed the pounds but to him they were “sexy curves” not muffin tops. I am shedding those curves and he notices that, too and comments on every positive change I make to my body. So not only do we work hard to improve our bodies, we also reward each other’s efforts with positive attention. Only if you love and respect your own body, can you expect your partner to love and respect it.
2. 24/7 foreplay: This is about staying physically and mentally in a “sex headspace”. It’s those sneaky little touches, kisses or hugs we exchange all day long, even with the kids around. They aren’t sexual touches, they are just little physical reminders of our physical attraction to each other and “I love yous” in the middle of the day. You can’t be non-physical and asexual all day and then expect to flip a switch and have dirty sex at night. We also make an effort throughout the day to stay intimate even when we are apart. You can be creative with that depending on what works in your relationship. It can be a sexy little photo of a body part sent quickly between meetings at work or a link to a porn site saying “We should try this”. Your imagination is the limit. Just always double check before clicking “send” on that text message so that you don’t send your porn link to Steve from accounting by accident.
3. Kids: You’re thinking “Yeah, point 2 sounds nice but there are kids!”
I know. We have three of them floating around us all the time and the teens don’t necessarily love seeing us make out so of course we keep it PG-13 or we get even more sneaky which is actually more fun. And yes, when they were little and the days consisted of chasing them around all day or driving them from A to B to C, feeding them, battling them in their fights against washing their hair and brushing their teeth it was very tiring. But the bottom line is: they’re kids, they’re going to be in your homes for at least 18 years. You are still two adults with your own lives and kids do not replace those adult lives. You hope to be together once they are grown up. Kids do not replace a partner and kids should NEVER be the one priority in your marriage. Your marriage should be priority No.1. Without a happy healthy marriage your kids already lose the greatest asset of their childhood: an intact nest in which they learn what a loving, healthy relationship looks like. So stop using your kids as an excuse. Kids are the product of your love, they should not destroy your love.
4. Time outs: This is a big part to make the aforementioned points happen. DSO and I plan getaways. Sometimes it’s a whole weekend trip away, cabin in the woods, sometimes to NYC or a beach together. When the budget is tight or the babysitters are hard to come by, it may just be a hotel in town to get out of the house and get in an adult headspace. Where there is no laundry to fold and no Netflix to watch. We give kids time outs when they get too worked up in their emotions. We, too, need time outs when we drown in our parental duties. And we need them regularly: not just for birthdays or anniversaries. DSO and I try to get overnight time outs at least once a month, getaways several times a year and date night has to be a weekly thing.
5. Communication: this is the hardest part. We all start talking about baby names, 5 year plans, job dreams and China patterns in our early years in a new relationship. But few of us talk about sex. Isn’t that weird? But there’s a lot of shame around the topic. A lot of women feel shame around being sexual beings, deriving pleasure from sex and also around the narcissistic nature of their sexual desires. Men feel shame about sometimes NOT wanting sex, asking what their wives want, some men don’t even consider the fact that their wives may not enjoy the technical maneuvers they attempt and in general it’s really really hard for people to talk about this topic. No one wants to step on anyone’s toes, no one wants to make the other person feel unattractive.
I think the biggest first step is to talk early and not out of a reaction. It never goes well when your wife bursts into the bathroom catching you in the middle of your “self-care” and THEN you have a conversation. You’ll already be in the defense and she will already feel hurt and morally superior. It’s better to bring sex talk up without emotion as means to establish intimacy and get each other in the right headspace. One way to do this is in the setting of a game. There are intimacy board and card games out there. Another way of course is the classic date night. The problem with that is that a lot of women will KNOW what date night is expected to lead to, thus undermining the whole point of date night as a romantic relaxing time away. Some people go as far as putting routine sex in their prenup. It works for some, others find it a bit in the grey zone. As with everything there is no recipe that can be applied to all relationships but the more you talk about it the more comfortable and open will you get over time. The biggest key is to take shame and guilt out of the conversation.
I have the happiest marriage I could ask for now. It is the complete opposite of the trap I felt myself in in my previous marriage. It freed me from any anger or bitterness about my previous marriage and made me believe in soulmates and true love again. Yes, it is a constant effort, but you want to make that effort because you don’t ever want to lose that love again. It is hard to find. My grandmother always told me that all the good things in life come from hard work. Marriage is hard work, it leaves you vulnerable, raw, exposed and requires brutal honesty with yourself and often it requires jumping over your own shadow. And yes, a lot of people are not cut out for it. I wasn’t sure after my first marriage if I was. But whenever I doubted us, it was the love from DSO that made me believe that I could change and grow and be that partner that can make a second marriage with kids work despite all the statistics stacked up against us.
Adult Time
