Sometimes I really cringe when guys tell me about what their wife OWES them in the bedroom. They will go on and on about how their wife just really doesn’t seem to want or even like them anymore. I will ask a few questions and the husband paints his wife in the most unflattering and unattractive ways imaginable.
She’s lazy.
She’s overweight.
She’s angry all the time.
She yells at him constantly.
She picks at every little thing he does. Nothing is good enough for her.
She yells at the kids. They now avoid her at all costs.
She refuses any kind of intimacy. No hand-holding or hugs.
She never compliments him.
After all of these signs from the wife that very obviously say to her man, “Go away, I’m not a good wife”, what is his first thought? “Okay, yeah, but… where’s my sex?”
If the man was being 100% honest, he’s just not in-love with his wife. Not at all. Not even close. In fact, he’s probably even disgusted by her. He’s annoyed by her. He doesn’t respect her in any way. If somebody asked him to sit down and write up a description of his perfect fantasy wife and partner, she would be the polar opposite of that.
And yet… “Where’s my sex?”
The kicker is that his very awful wife is completely aware that she is a very awful wife. She knows she treats her husband like shit. She knows she’s not attractive. She’s knows that she’s nobody’s fantasy wife. And yet… here’s this bozo that she’s living with asking for sex all the damn time. Obviously, he’s just doing to fill his needs… not because he actually love and WANTS his wife. What sane man would put up with all of her bullshit and still want to have sex with her? Well, he would have to be a very needy man with no real options in life. That’s just even more wildly unattractive… which makes the wife even more angry… and subsequently more unattractive to her man. Yet, here he comes again with his dumb erection. Wanting sex. Again. The negative circle continues on and on until one of them finally breaks and the divorce train starts rolling.
None of this scenario is healthy in any way.
I have a great deal of love and admiration for my wife. There’s no doubt about my feelings for her and WHY I feel the way I do.
She can’t walk across the room without my eyes following her and getting a smile and a playful little grunt of admiration from me.
She can’t stand in the kitchen and cook without me coming up behind her and giving her a squeeze and thanking her and telling her how much I love her.
When she gives me gifts, I thank her and tell her how much it means to me.
When she wakes up in the morning, I kiss her and tell her I love her, ask her if she had a good sleep, and then get up to make her coffee just the way she likes it.
When she wears something skimpy, I be sure to pull her into me and tell her how amazing she looks and give her a nice deep kiss and a butt squeeze.
When we sit together to watch a movie I will hold her hand and give her little massages in the places I know she is sore.
When she has a long day at work, I’ll be sure to get some food ready for her and get the place clean so she doesn’t have more headaches to come home to.
I do all of the above because I love her to death AND she DESERVES it. She is one very giving and very loving woman. I remind her of that many times a day every day. Yes, we also have a very good sex life. Sex just happens with us. Neither of us ask for it. It’s a natural conclusion to all of the events of the day. Those events led up to the ultimate moment (or multiple moments) of validation and love: Sex.
Sure, sometimes we have very visceral and lustful sex that seems to come from a place of animalistic NEED rather than love and devotion. Those times are pretty awesome, too. But after seven years together as a couple, those hyper-sexual moments of lust wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the groundwork of continuous love and admiration. Sure, that type of lustfulness came easy during the early stages of our relationship, but once comfort and familiarity sets in… it takes a different gameplan. It takes one of setting the tone of playfulness, love, sexiness, teamwork, leadership, independence… all with a constant undercurrent of non-neediness.
What is more needy than to skip all of the tone-setting work and jumping right to “Where’s my sex?”
Do you really WANT your wife, or do you just want to fill your needs? Answer that question honestly. This has everything to do with your resulting sex life, and the path of your life moving forward.