This is one of those articles that some men are going to be “rah rah” about and some women are probably going to not appreciate and proceed to deflect, counter accuse, fail to take any responsibility, point out all the ways men are flawed, etc, etc. Please impress me and chose to be different. Just read it and see if the shoe fits for once ya know?
Here we go!
In coaching, men tell me pretty frequently about how their wife is a fantastic mom, equal/near equal/or even out earns him as a partner in their dual income household, handles all the planning for the kids BUT…..has no gas left in the tank for Mr. Husband at the end of the day. That last part is what pisses women off. I’ve been pretty taken back by some of the responses I’ve seen from women on this. Here’s a few:
“I’m a fucking mother for Christ Sake!”
“I’m not his mommy, he should be a big boy and take care of himself!”
“I don’t have time to coddle a man.”
“I can’t be everything for everyone all of the time!”
For some reason pointing out that they could do some good by being more loving to their husband makes some women become unhinged lunatics. I can only speculate that the root of that is their drive for perfection in all the forementioned areas and their decision to assume risk in leaving their husband on the back burner. This is often done out of what’s viewed as necessity (kid’s/career come first mentality). This realization that this decision is contributing to the dysfunction and lack of satisfaction in their marriage is a hard pill to swallow. Some people simply cannot handle being told that despite all their great efforts in other areas, they are screwing up another.
Ralph has written and talked about how men think/act like being a good provider is all you have to be a good husband and conversely how some women think/act like being a good mother makes you a good wife. This is just not true. My addition to this is to look at your family as a literal house itself with the marriage as the foundation of the home and the children represented by their bedrooms in the house. The foundation will be fine without the bedrooms, the bedrooms struggle to exist without the foundation. My point here is to say that prioritizing your marriage is also taking care of your children.
What men mean when they say “my wife doesn’t leave enough for me “is that when all the dust settles at the end of the day their wife is too tired, over stimulated, irritated, or otherwise does not want to connect with their husband. Connect can cover anything from a simple loving conversation to physical intimacy. It’s not just sex but, yes most of the time men are referring to his wife’s unwillingness to have sex with him as well because of __________. This makes men feel like “Why the fuck did I even get married?” He’ll probably never tell you that though but, that’s what he’s thinking on some level.
He feels abandoned and trapped in an unsatisfying situation of his own making and he’s starting to feel buyer’s remorse. This is not good, especially if the guy is what many women would consider a catch.
I don’t think most women deliberately try to make their husbands feel this way. I think it’s more telling of the “10lbs of shit into a 1lb bag” type of problem we have in the western world. It’s like a keeping up with the jones’ on steroids. Women are arguably very busy and getting pulled in a lot of directions. On top of that there is constant bombardment by the IG, Tik Tok, Facebook and like platforms of all the cool things the mom’s are doing with their kids or consumer pressure to buy this or that to better their kid’s lives. It puts an enormous amount of unrealistic pressure on women in my opinion and we need to better unplug from it. NO ONE IS THE PERFECT PARENT! NO ONE HAS THIS ALL FIGURED OUT! Women feel like they have to perfect in all of these areas so they often hyper focus on a few very visible areas and neglect others to include their physical health (mom bod from letting yourself go) and their marriage.
I’m sure there’s some women reading this right now with torches lit and sharpened pitchforks in hand. Put them away, you’re not going to need them. Look, I’m very understanding of all the things moms go through and how they often feel like it’s never enough. I’m a single dad and I do it all. Funny enough we have identical workloads in the way of running a home and raising children. Gender does not come into play at all here. I write this not as a condemnation of women in the modern area but, more as a wake up call and a warning. You can choose to say “well my husband does or doesn’t do____ so I don’t do____”. Ok, any marriage counselor worth their crap is going to call out a statement like that with “Honey, we are talking about you, not your husband. You control you; he controls him. He’s expressed a desire to connect with you, just acknowledge that and see that its very reasonable.”
Practical Advice
Men generally try to take things off Wifey’s plate in the way of household chores, running kids to practices or being more involved. Those are all good things but, they need to be done for the right reasons. You as the husband should do them because they help the family out and they need done and you have the time and opportunity to do it. Don’t do it to just make her life easier. You’ll never see return on investment or respect from that. Be engaged and stay there. Help where you can because it’s the right thing to do (altruism). As a byproduct you’ll see that many women will appreciate this and how you go above and beyond other husbands out there. Many women will reflect on the man that they married and appreciate you. I’d warn women that if you have a keeper of a man like this, better treat him right before you catch some other woman gassing him up with “I wish my husband was more like you”. We both know I’m right. Remember men, it’s about connection not doing chores to make time for sex.
Women, take a look at your schedule. Start really prioritizing what must be done, what can wait, and what you don’t even need to worry about. Start a self-care routine and leave enough for yourself (scrolling social media should not be the keynote activity). Work with your husband on going to stores kid free or trading out in some manner to get time for yourself. Any good man should be all over this. Get active and make some effort to connect with your husband. Ideally, I’d be coaching husbands to have this chat with you as a way of making you better. I often find women highly resistant to basic self-care things which is mind boggling to me but rarely a week goes by that I don’t hear some massive push back on it. If you feel like this is too much, examine that. Why? Maybe you in fact don’t have what it takes on your end to foster a quality marriage or you’re unwilling to do what it takes. It requires more of you, It will pay you back very quickly if you’ve got a man doing the same things on his end.