Veteran Service Shame
I talk to a ton of veterans and hear from one side of the spectrum to the other on veteran related issues. One thing that I repeatedly come across is what I’m going to call “Veteran Service Shame”. Veteran Service Shame is when a veteran feels shame for serving, regret for serving, or feels like their time serving was not worth it. This has a deep impact on the veteran’s mental well-being and is often compounded by PTSD and alcohol or substance abuse.
Some veterans I meet completely distance themselves from their service and former identity. It’s almost like they are in the closet. On the far other extreme you have veterans that have completely isolated themselves from everyone and still cling onto their military identity as if they were still serving. These decisions are often varied and deeply personal in nature.
There are a few main drivers to this:
Military Culture
The military understandably demands very high standards in comparison to the vast majority of anything you can do professionally as a civilian. It’s a constant strive towards perfection and improvement which in theory is great but, lacks any sense when I point out that we are all inherently flawed human beings that will continuously fuck things up over our lives to some degree. You are expected to maintain these standards for the duration of your service at the risk of early separation or potential punitive action. These standards also dip deeply into the service member’s personal life in ways that would never be acceptable in civilian work. Over time some service members struggle to meet these standards. Some of that is a personal discipline issue and sometimes the issue comes from things beyond the service members control such as an unfortunate injury and a difficult rehabilitation period. Leaders and peers often are charged to harshly hold the line here and that can at times put you at odds with the human perspective we are all subject to. For the affected service member, they may harshly judge their own actions in retrospect and feel less than. As if they missed the mark on a once in a lifetime opportunity and therefore nothing in the rest of their life is worth it anymore.
Comparison to Others
Frequently when I’m introduced to acquaintances by friends, they mention that I’m a retired Soldier. I swear it’s a 50/50 chance whether the person I’m introduced to tells me about their Navy Seal cousin running black ops in a place he can’t talk about. To which I reply, “That’s awesome, I hope he is safe”. The vibe I get is that they are trying to garnish more respect as if serving in the Navy alone isn’t worthy of respect. It’s also a form of trying to say they understand military life but, it’s just poor form on their part. The military does a great job of eating its own. I can tell you from the day I set foot into Infantry one station unit training the Drill Sergeants made it very clear that we the infantry are the only thing that matters in the Army, we set the standard in everything, everyone supports us, and we have an absolute earned arrogance. There is some truth here but, there’s probably a better way to be understandably proud without making others that are serving honorably feel like they aren’t contributing to the fight or that their service is lesser. The worst version of this that I’ve seen really revolves around the treatment of infantry officers that do not earn the coveted Ranger tab. They often go to their first unit of assignment and are treated poorly, spend minimal time in key leadership positions critical for development, and become the bastard child of the organization while also being expected to garnish respect from his men while being publicly treated like a pariah by the command. I’ve seen this behavior in nearly every infantry unit I’ve served in. Are those men not worthy of the same respect for serving their country as the men that trash their service? Not everyone will ascend into the highest tiered special operations units and that is ok. That doesn’t make their service more valuable than yours. We all had one overarching mission and many unit level missions that were very different. All of them were important to our national defense.
Transition Challenges
Many veterans have difficulty adjusting to civilian life after service. Nearly 70% of veterans report having trouble finding work after serving. These challenges often disorient the veteran and lead them to questioning the value of their service. Many veterans question why they even served just to make it so hard on themselves later as they transition. Other questions come up mainly surrounding regret and sunken time of the past. Why did I let my youth pass me by? Why did I ever join I could be deep into a HIGH paying career right now? As the veteran encounters the complexities and challenges of fully reintegrating into civilian life, they realize that they are attempting to reenter a world they barely recognize. “This never would have happened if I didn’t waste my life.”
Mental Health Issues/physical health issues
Mental health issues primarily PTSD greatly contribute to the shame in the way of moral injury (feeling of having violated their morals to properly serve), survivor guilt, and the aftermath of countless traumas. Many Vietnam war veterans suffered unspeakable psychological damage from both the nature of the war and how they were treated by some American civilians upon their return to the United States. The combination of mental and physical health issues that often cause advance wear and tear on the body can also impact the veteran’s lifestyle and in doing so cause shame. “I’m 35 and I feel like I’m 75”.
The biggest ways to combat these feelings are to seek out therapy, get back in touch with the men and women you served with, develop a close and continuous social circle near you, and always look to stay busy and seek out fulfillment in life.
You’ll never know what life might have been like had you never served. All you can do is make the one life you get worth living. You’ve done some incredible things that are unique, and you should absolutely be proud of that.