Anxiety.
If you’re a fellow recovering Nice Guy, you likely know this word well. You probably know what triggers it, and at times you’ve been shaped by it. It can stop you in your tracks or prevent you from taking an opportunity. It can allow others to walk right over you, and you’ll thank them for doing it. Don’t worry, I’m not just going to talk about how much it sucks. You don’t need to read an article for that. I’m going to explain why you feel it and then walk you through some ways of how you can work through it. First, let me identify a list of scenarios, so we can better understand the feeling I’m talking about:
Your wife is doing the dishes while you’re sitting on the couch trying to relax.
You’re out of the house working on your hobby and you get an angry text that you should be home already.
Your friends like to lift weights together and ask you to join them. They’re all really fit and seem to compete with each other. You’re not in as good of shape.
You have a work meeting in 15 minutes where you are leading an important presentation to your boss and colleagues.
If you deal with anxiety or social fear, each of these situations probably made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. We might rationalize that we just “don’t want to rock the boat”, or we could be admittedly trying to avoid a stress overload or know we are self-conscious and don’t want to be judged.
You see, anxiety is your reflex to an uncomfortable situation, and while you probably wish you didn’t have it, you should know that everyone does, and it doesn’t go away. I’ve been leading meetings as a consultant 40+ hours per week for 7 years. I still feel anxiety every time I kick off a new call. I’m comfortable with the anxiety, though. The difference between you and someone who seems confident in every situation is that they know how to manage their anxiety. They understand that anxiety is a natural feeling just like excitement, sadness, and anger. These are useful emotions and help you identify your opinion on a given situation. The problem is how you react to these emotions. Just because you feel anger doesn’t mean you have to get into a fight. Anxiety is just the symptom of the situation.
Impulsively responding to anxiety or panicking can make you seem weak to people, especially your wife. It prevents you from enforcing boundaries that you set or taking an opportunity. It increases stress and irrational anger. Worst of all, it can lead to depression if it consumes you.
So, the question is more about how to fix your management of this feeling than getting rid of it. I’ll be transparent and get straight to what you probably already know: It’s hard and there’s no overnight secret cure. It mostly comes down to two things: exposure and proactivity. The most important of the two is definitely exposure. Bad anxiety can make you respond to a situation like putting your hand on a hot stove. You’ll want to avoid it, make it stop, never put yourself in that situation again. That response is exactly how you make your situation worse.
Don’t shy away from what makes you feel anxious. The more times you feel it, the more comfortable you will be with the emotion. The more comfortable you are with it, the better you can think through it logically and make rational decisions, even when under pressure. Think of it as sanding a bad habit from your skin: It’s going to be painful, but you’ve got to do it. Get out of your comfort zone and get comfortable outside of it. You are actually expanding your comfort zone. In fact, a situation that feels very uncomfortable can be a really good indicator that it is an opportunity to grow and improve. If you can lean into a difficult situation, rather than panicking, you’ve effectively managed your anxiety. Eventually, you’ll be able to treat it like any other emotion.
Proactivity, similarly, allows you to feel comfortable in an otherwise stressful situation. Planning ahead, making deliberate decisions, and being confident will greatly reduce your need to impulsively react to conflict and judgement. It makes you prepared for confrontation and increases your stoicism amidst chaos. Preplanning as much as possible allows you to relax and focus on your path forward, rather than doubting yourself. Most situations are not as bad as you imagine them and being able to focus on a solution or be supported by your confident decisions just makes it that much easier to thrive in stressful environments.
Practical Application
So back to our scenarios:
Your wife is doing dishes and you’re relaxing on the couch after work. You feel the anxiety, but A) you’ve done more than your share of the house work and she’s cleaning the dishes she dirtied up, B) you have decided you are going to relax and are prepared for any criticism with a confident resolve, and C) you know this is an area that you struggle and want to grow emotionally, so you are looking forward to confidently laughing at being challenged. There is nothing wrong with relaxing while others work if you’ve done your part and fulfill your responsibilities. Do not give in to irrational people pleasing and enforce your boundaries.
You are doing your hobby and the wife texts that you need to get home. However, this is the time you have planned to be out of the house and you aren’t planning to be back for another two hours. A) You give her equal opportunity to get out of the house while you watch the kids and B) you balance your hobby well with work, housework, and being an awesome dad. She’ll be fine until you get home. She won’t leave you because you are doing what you have planned. If she wants to discuss future times you’re gone for the hobby when you get back like an adult, who knows she might have a good point about alternative plans. But you aren’t concerned with a temper tantrum and it doesn’t make you react.
Your friends invited you to lift weights with them. Take the opportunity. Put yourself out there. They may very well be great support for getting in better shape and have good advice for lifting. You’ll probably be judged either way, and if they are negative toward your progress, then you can go work out somewhere else.
Your meeting is about to start, but A) you know this topic and have done all of your preparation. You’re confident in what you are about to present. B) You got there early and are fully set up. It’s others who are flustered walking in with a group of people staring at them. C) You have been speaking in front of groups any chance you get and can take full advantage of this opportunity. The fear doesn’t dictate your success.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable