So… What should I do?
There is no end of advice from well-meaning, or at least well-marketed, content creators ready to offer you the solution to all of your problems. Ralph famously taught us “what to do” to fix a dead bedroom but that is only a part of it. It answers the specific questions of “what should I do to fix my dead bedroom”. The question above is broader… what should I do with my life? On your journey and through this group, you will be challenged to answer this. No one else can answer it for you. Sure there are some common basics (fix your marriage, attend to your finances and look after your health), but then what? What is next?
Jason famously asks new clients “What do you want?” Great question. It’s also the answer to my question above. Apart from the obvious that got you here (i.e. more sex), what do you want?
I’ll go further. It is an abundant world. You can pretty much have whatever you want, at least partially, if you put in the effort to get there. Though the stoics remind us of one thing we can never have in this world – control over the actions and behaviours of others. If you don’t think you can answer Jason’s question wrongly, you might be surprised. Here are some wrong answers:
“I want my wife to want me more” – you are asking for your wife to change.
“I want my boss to be nicer to me” – you are asking for your boss to change.
“I want my kids to show me more respect” – you are asking for your kids to change.
You can’t directly control these outcomes. Indirectly you may be able to (see below). However, you’re thinking is flawed, in that you are wanting OTHER people to be the ones who change. Why shouldn’t they though? You’re perfect, right?
So, we’ll get to the tougher question – “what do you want, that doesn’t involve changing anyone else?” That’s a tough question. That is THE question you must spend time contemplating. If you don’t have an answer to that, then the question of “what should I do” is irrelevant… do whatever you want, you aren’t trying to go anywhere in particular. As Seneca said: “If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable”.
If you can answer THE question though, then what you should do becomes clearer. You can set some goals to get you on that path and start working towards achieving the goals.
What if the wrong answers above were reframed?
“I want to become more attractive” (to get laid more).
“I want to be more assertive” (so that my boss is nicer to me, or I leave).
“I want to be respectable” (so that my kids respect me).
Now that’s something you can work on!
Those above still may be a bit shallow for your taste. We’re talking meaning and life. Purpose. Mission. If you need some inspiration, Victor Frankl’s famous work “Mans Search for Meaning” will offer you some ideas to think through. How did Frankl find meaning while suffering as the persecuted ethnicity in a concentration camp in World War II? Bereft of all worldly possessions, family and friends? Frankl observed that for fellow prisoners who gave up on their sense of purpose and meaning – their health very quickly followed. Surviving one of the most extreme examples of the human experience imaginable; he documented his learnings for us.
Frankl suggests three ways man may find meaning:
Creating and achieving works of art, meeting your goals, conquering those mountains.
Experiences: appreciating the world, friendships, love.
Attitude for unavoidable suffering: choosing how you respond to such hardship.
As a holocaust survivor, the third is unsurprising, and unlikely for many of us. I am reminded of my favourite pessimist Schopenhauer: “There is some wisdom in taking a gloomy view, in looking upon the world as a kind of Hell, and in confining one's efforts to securing a little room that shall not be exposed to the fire.” A bit dramatic, but those that are suffering in a bad marriage might feel exactly like this. You might not be in be experiencing physical harm, but it’s not a fun place either. This fraternity will give you the tools and materials to help with this little room, but you must build it yourself.
If you suddenly had no dependents, what would you do? What’s stopping you from doing that now? Or even just starting to move towards doing that? Are these just excuses? Sure, with dependants it will take you much longer, but you can still start.
Likely for many of us – everything that goes well was simply expected of you, everything that goes wrong is your fault. If that’s the lot you’ve been dealt, you might as well make your life what you want instead of letting life happen to you. It’s no use to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. It’s not appreciated.
I have a simple measurement that I use to review people posts and progress (which is sadly not a lot these days as I consciously spend far less time on my phone). You can chart someone’s progression over time clearly with this. Almost everyone starts firmly in the frame of their spouse. “She said this, she wanted this, I tried this and then she said this. Last week we had sex, this week she didn’t want to. I tried the same steps she said she was tired and maybe later…”
My measurement is this… look at how many times the word “she” appears. I encourage you to review your own posts before submitting them. You might be amazed. You are writing about “she” – give Victor Frankl a read and realise “she” is not that important when considering what your life could become.
-KB