That ends today.
If you want to be a sexual wordsmith, you’re going to have to look beyond pickup lines and forced conversation. You need to learn how to read the moment, guide the energy, and create a connection that naturally keeps things flowing. If you can master communication skills, the words will come easily to you, and you’ll effortlessly build attraction.
Overcoming Approach Anxiety
We don't talk much about life after divorce, particularly shame and fear when approaching women you want to date. Some, if not most, men deal with “approach anxiety” post-divorce. Why is that? Reasons can include rejection by the ex, not being ready to move on, and carrying shame from the failed relationship. Really, we don't even need to go that far. I remember not wanting to approach girls in junior high...
Approach anxiety isn’t uncommon after a divorce, especially when you've already been rejected once—whether by your ex or someone else. That fear of rejection is a heavy weight to bear, and it’s even heavier when you’re carrying some shame from your previous relationship. But, if you want to shed that weight and get comfortable approaching women, you need to face the issue head-on.
I can show you how to do that.
First off, ask yourself: “Why do I care so much about what a stranger thinks of me?” The truth is, their opinion doesn't affect your life in any meaningful way, so why waste energy on it? Why should you care?
Think about it—what do you really have to lose when you approach a woman? Nothing. And you’ve got everything to gain.
Let’s be real, though. You’re going to encounter dead ends. I learned from all the girls who said no to me, and if I hadn't moved on quickly to the next one, I wouldn't have much to say here today. Rejection is part of the process.
Every dead end brings you closer to success. Every experience, even if it feels like a failure, is an opportunity to learn. You’ll determine what you want and don’t want, and maybe even gain a bit more confidence in what works for you and what doesn’t. The key is letting go of your fear of rejection.
How to Handle Rejection
Since rejection is pretty much inevitable, you need some ways to deal with it.
- Remember that it’s temporary: Rejection stings, but the feelings from it fade. The discomfort of rejection can vanish as quickly as it appears if you don’t let it control you and are willing to move quickly to the next woman.
- Have a backup plan: Do something physical, like hitting the gym, going for a run, or starting a new hobby. You’re giving your mind an outlet to process or think about other things. It’s also a good way to relieve stress.
- Meet new people: The more you interact, the less the fear will control you.
- Watch and learn: Get a new perspective by spending some time observing what the successful guys do to get attention.
- Understand that rejection doesn’t define you: It doesn’t reflect on you as a man. You are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for; one person’s dislike of you doesn’t extend to everyone’s opinion.
Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. If you’re rejected, move on quickly to the next one (and you never know… someone could be watching for you to approach them). Simplify your expectations; don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Approach with confidence, and let the chips fall where they may. Each time, you’ll get closer to where you want to be.
Sounds pretty straightforward, right?
The first thing you need to do when getting ready to approach women is to lower your expectations. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go after women who might seem out of your league, but you’ve got to keep your expectations in check regarding the outcome. Don’t go into your first few approaches thinking you’re going to get a phone number, lock down a date, or make her jump into bed with you right away. Focus on getting comfortable with simply starting a conversation with a woman.
Improving Your Social Interactions
Ever strike up a conversation at the coffee shop? The grocery store? How about talking about the weather with a stranger at the gas station?
Even if you think that the conversation is going to be inconsequential or mundane, you have to start somewhere. As you gain momentum and confidence in talking to strangers, you’ll develop your sense of humor and persona, which will refine your approach.
Small talk with strangers could involve the weather, for example. What are you observing about your surroundings and what they’re wearing or doing? Take advantage of what you’re perceiving.
If you’re in a store, ask questions that elicit information: “Have you ever been here before?” “What’s good to eat?” “What do you usually get?” “How do you like the coffee?” If nothing comes to mind, a simple smile and “How are you?” could get the ball rolling.
There are so many things to talk to strangers about, even if you just offer them a smile and a "Hey! How's it going?" Something as simple as that is a good place to start.
During Brofest in Austin, Texas, I came back to the hotel and struck up a conversation with a couple of ladies celebrating their bachelorette party. All I said was: “Are you excited?” That was enough to get them to talk for 15 minutes.
That being said, I understand that results may vary for certain cultures—I’m Puerto Rican, and this is a common practice for me. If this isn’t common in your culture, then adapt what I’m saying to meet your cultural practices.
Here’s an example that will show you what I’ve been talking about:
Conversation A
Guy: “Hey, I’m Gus. What’s your name?”
Girl: “I’m Jennifer.”
Guy: “Nice to meet you. Where are you from?”
Girl: “Orlando.”
Guy: “That’s nice.”
[Awkward pause… the moment is lost]
Conversation B
Guy: “Hey, I’m Gus. What’s your name?”
Girl: “Hi, I’m Jennifer.”
Guy: “Where you from, Jennifer?”
Girl: “Orlando.”
Guy: “Orlando, huh? How do you like it there?”
Girl: “It’s great. People are friendly, and there’s a ton of good spots to eat. You ever been?”
Guy: “Nope. I want to, though. What exactly are your favorite dinner spots?”
Boom. Conversation. You see the difference? The first exchange seems stiff; the guy just makes a bland, boring statement that doesn’t invite a reply and simply goes nowhere. In the second conversation, though, the guy asks a question that conveys his interest and prompts the girl to talk. It looks like something that could actually continue.
If you’ve ever locked up when talking to a woman—felt your mouth go dry, your brain short-circuit—don’t sweat it. This isn’t some magical gift guys are born with. It’s a skill, and like any skill, you can master it. By the time you’re done with this book, you’ll know exactly how to keep the conversation flowing effortlessly.
Now that you have all the tools to get your mind in the game, it’s time for us to have a look at the different types of approaches we can use.
Three Approaches to Starting a Conversation
1. The Direction Approach
If you’re not sure where to start, this is the way to ease into things. It’s a solid exercise to get comfortable talking to women. Begin by asking a woman for directions. It can work for day and nighttime; it’s a non-threatening way for you to make an introduction, whether to a single woman or a group.
Pick something generic, like asking for the nearest Starbucks, McDonald's, a good restaurant, or a landmark like a museum. The key is to choose a spot that, as a local, she would likely know about and how to get there.
Set yourself up for success by avoiding coming off as creepy. Nothing makes you seem more off-putting than lingering around, unsure if you should approach.
This approach demands that you act quickly. Don’t overthink it; just do it. Use the Subliminal Signal System: take a deep breath, smile, relax your shoulders, and keep an open body posture as you ask for directions.
Some women might brush you off, especially if they’re tourists. But most women will engage if you come off as non-threatening. A friendly smile and an “Excuse me” will set the tone for a light, easy conversation.
If she’s a tourist and says she doesn’t know the area, keep the conversation flowing by asking, “Where are you from?” or “What have you seen so far?” or “Any recommendations for a local like me?” From there, introduce yourself: “I’m Edward. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?”
Here are some simple steps to ask for directions:
1. Smile.
2. Approach her from the side and slightly in front of her.
3. Use body language to signal interest, then ask, “Excuse me, could you point me toward the museum?” She’ll either respond or brush you off.
4. If she answers, thank her and say, “No worries, thanks for your help. I’m Edward, what’s your name?”
This approach is all about how you carry yourself. A simple turn of your head and quick, confident action pulls her into your zone, making her feel special. It’s not about the directions but how you make her feel when you approach her.
2. The Compliment Approach
Now, we’re getting a little more personal. You’re taking a step forward now that you’ve built confidence in striking up conversations with strangers. This approach is about giving a genuine compliment with no expectation of anything in return.
Picture this: You’re walking down the street, maybe thinking about lunch, when you see a woman who catches your eye. You’re not looking for anything beyond a quick conversation—just a moment of connection.
To compliment a woman:
1. Establish eye contact.
2. Approach from the side, at around a 40-degree angle, and stop her in her tracks. Capture her attention.
3. Compliment her with something simple like, “I love your sunglasses. Where did you get them?”
The compliment is casual and nonchalant, with no underlying agenda. It’s easy, approachable, and leaves room for further conversation if she’s interested.
3. The Observation Approach
As one of the most versatile approaches, it requires you to be quick on your feet and pay attention to your surroundings. The idea is to make an observation about the woman or the environment, then use that to build a conversation.
There are three steps to the Observation Approach:
1. Make observations: Notice something interesting about her or the environment. Maybe she’s reading a thick textbook or drinking something unique.
2. Make a statement: Walk up to her, establish eye contact, and state your observation. For example, “That textbook looks massive! What’s it for? I feel like you could sell that and take a trip around the world!”
3. Expand the conversation: Give her a glimpse into your personality after your observation. If you commented on her drink, you could add, “I’m a straight coffee guy, but I’m trying to expand my horizons and get into tea. What’s your favorite?”
By offering something about yourself, you give her room to open up, making the conversation feel natural and moving it past surface level.
These approaches work because they break the ice without putting any pressure on the woman, letting you both engage without expectations. The goal is for you to practice, get comfortable with the process, and start building confidence with every interaction.
The Key to Success: Practice
One of the things that I cannot stress enough is that practice makes perfect, and the more you get rejected, the closer you get to acceptance. In Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers, he suggests that to master something, you must put in 10,000 hours of work.
I'm not saying that you need to spend 10,000 hours approaching women, but I just wanted to give you some perspective that you’ll need time, effort, and practice. The more you do it, the better you will get at it, and the more confident you will feel in the process.
And each time, you’ll get closer to where you want to be. Let’s get to it.