When I first got married, I thought that if I just did it like my parents did everything would be okay. Boy, was I wrong. Instead of emulating everything I had learned, I should have been using the skills relevant to me at the time. As challenges in my relationship came up, so did the problems.
There are some statements about marriage that have been passed down to couples—common refrains that you’ve probably heard at least once, maybe even a hundred times. They’re often repeated confidently, as if they hold the secret to a happy union. But the truth is, they’re not what they seem. They are, in fact, marriage myths—ideas that can mislead rather than guide.
So we can approach our marriages with a clearer understanding of what truly matters, we need to dispel these myths.
Happy Wife, Happy Life
If you are concerned only about someone else’s life, but that person isn’t concerned about yours, then how can you be happy? You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness; you can’t make someone else happy. The only one who can do that is themselves.
If you keep repeating, "Happy wife, happy life," you're reinforcing the idea that your happiness depends on someone else. Over time, we become what we say, which means that this belief could very well erode your sense of self-worth and personal responsibility for your own happiness. True joy comes from within, not from fulfilling someone else's expectations.
Healthy Marriages are Conflict-Free
You could also put this under “happily ever after,” which only exists in Disney movies. Marriage is one of the hardest things two people will have to endure.
The idea that a healthy marriage is one without conflict is a common misconception. In reality, it’s almost impossible to have a thriving relationship without some disagreements along the way. When two unique individuals come together, it’s natural for them to have differing opinions, even if they share the same core values.
The key to a healthy marriage isn’t the absence of conflict, but rather creating an environment where both partners feel safe to voice their thoughts and concerns, where they’re able to bring their differences to the table without fear. So, when the difficult conversations come up, approach them with a mindset of understanding. Even if you don’t see eye to eye, your efforts to truly listen to your spouse can deepen your connection and strengthen your bond.
Conflict isn’t a threat to your marriage—it’s an opportunity for growth, understanding, and greater intimacy. Embrace it with an open heart and mind, knowing that every disagreement is a step toward a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Good, Healthy Marriages Come Naturally When You Marry the “Right” Person
…or your “soul mate.”
You’ve likely heard that a good, healthy marriage happens simply when you marry the "right" person. That’s a comforting thought, but it overlooks the truth about what makes a marriage truly thrive. Healthy marriages aren't the result of luck but because of intentionality and commitment on the part of both spouses. Since the honeymoon stage will eventually wear off, your being intentional and honoring your commitment is very important.
Marriage is like a dance. When you dance, you don’t want to just find the right partner, but you want to learn to dance well together. That’s going to take effort, patience, and practice, and you and your partner are responsible for learning your dance steps. You’re never "off the hook" just because you think you've found your perfect match.
To build a strong and lasting relationship, both partners must commit to personal growth and well-being. Only by being healthy individuals can you come together to create a healthy, successful marriage. It's this shared journey of growth, understanding, and dedication that transforms a marriage into something truly sexy and beautiful.
Marriage is 50/50
Nothing in any relationship will ever be 50/50. I used to keep score, which was a lot of work. Then my perception changed: Marriage isn’t about giving 50%, but about giving 100% of yourself. (Think about it.) If you approach your marriage with a 50/50 mindset, you may find yourself grappling with disappointment and resentment. True fulfillment in marriage comes from being wholly invested, from showing up with your entire heart and soul.
If you’re in a partnership where each person fully contributes, you’re not looking for your spouse to complete you; instead, you’re both putting your best selves forward. The only one who can truly complete you is the Lord. In marriage, you want to embrace the journey together while giving everything you have, ultimately finding strength and joy in your shared commitment. When both partners are all in, marriage becomes a powerful union of love, growth, and mutual support.
Happy Couples Do Everything Together
At different points in my life, I believed that for a marriage to thrive, my spouse needed to fulfill every aspect of my life. I overlooked the simple truth: In a monogamous relationship, my wife is my lover first and foremost.
Happy couples understand that while shared experiences are wonderful, time apart is equally important. There's great wisdom in the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder." When you and your partner spend time apart, you build anticipation and excitement for your time together.
So, while you find that it's fulfilling to enjoy activities as a couple, it's also vital that you nurture your individual interests. By embracing some time apart, you allow space for personal growth and fresh perspectives. When you reunite, you bring renewed energy and appreciation to your shared moments and enrich your relationship.
Children Come First
Shouldn’t your marriage come first? After all, the couple made the children and not the other way around. Having said that, think of your lives together as a house. The marriage came first and is the foundation for the rest of the house to be built upon. The children are the rooms in the house. How do you think the house will fare if its foundation is weak or crumbles altogether?
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Of all the marriage myths, this is the one that causes the biggest issues.
As I was sifting through my wedding vows, looking for material for another post, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of wedding cards tucked away in the same box. One phrase seemed to echo through countless well-wishes: "The key to a good marriage is communication." It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But if communication is the key, why do so many marriages falter despite this seemingly easy solution? Why don’t couples just talk it out? Perhaps it’s because the issue runs deeper than we realize.
Is communication about mind reading, venting frustrations, interrupting, offering unsolicited advice, or harboring resentment? No, those things rarely, if ever, lead to positive change or improvement.
Communication remains one of the greatest challenges a couple will face in marriage. When we struggle to communicate effectively, we may feel unheard, uncared for, and, ultimately, unloved. Communication breakdowns can have devastating effects on a marriage. But here's the good news: Communication issues are often among the easiest to address.
Or are they?
The truth is, the problem isn’t just about communication but about how we communicate. Think about it—did we ever receive any formal training in this very important skill? Was there a class in high school or college? Did our parents sit us down and teach us the art of clear, compassionate communication? Most of us would answer no. But it’s never too late to learn, and sometimes, seeking guidance from a coach or counselor can make all the difference in the world.
In the spirit of keeping things concise, I’ll zero in on something foundational: being truly present. If we practice unspoken empathy while demonstrating a deep understanding, we can transform the way we connect.
Have you ever walked through the door after a long day, simply hugged, kissed, and listened? And not just to the words your partner is saying, but to the subtle ways they communicate through their touch, their expression, their tone? What is their hug saying? What do their lips communicate to you? The only way to know is by being fully present, open to what you perceive in the moment.
With just these three simple things—body language, tone, and presence—you can often tell what kind of day your partner had and what they need from you. Will this awareness change your evening plans? Maybe not. But it will elevate your emotional intelligence and allow you to respond with compassion, offering what they need most from you in that moment. And this is especially important during life transitions, like menopause, when emotions can be even more complex.
So remember: be present, be empathetic, be understanding and be a leader.
Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Take one step at a time, and let’s continue to move forward together.