We live in a transformative time in which technology and relationships are becoming increasingly intertwined. One of the more poignant insights from renowned New York-based Belgian therapist Esther Perel is, "It has never been so easy to have an affair as it is today, and it has never been so hard to conceal it."
Technology has made finding a new partner incredibly simple. Meeting someone new is just a swipe away. However, the very same technology that facilitates a connection with someone new also makes it nearly impossible to keep that connection hidden, as almost every online action leaves a digital trace.
But is technology truly to blame for making affairs easier, or are we opening our eyes to the idea that we may have a desire to explore different versions of ourselves? Are those in committed relationships so unhappy that they feel compelled to seek affection elsewhere? What happens to people when they stray? Do they compromise their core identities, or do they develop a split personality as they begin to lead their dual lives?
When someone begins an affair, they often let go of a part of themselves and start to become someone else. Do they ever question why they stay in an unhappy relationship? Why choose to live in the shadows instead of confronting reality? Some people are so desperate for affection—perhaps because technology, while aiding our daily lives, can also lead us to neglect those human connections that are essential for us to thrive.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, and you want to improve your life, you are going to have to make certain decisions. You will have to answer questions such as:
Will things ever get better, or will they remain the same?
Should you drag yourself and those around you, including your children, through the inevitable turmoil because having an affair seems easier?
Imagine if there was a different path that you could take. Come with me, and let's live the life you truly desire. Together, we can create a better future for you than one filled with deceit and fragmented identities, one in which you can be true to yourself. One bad decision can lead to another, creating a cycle of pain for everyone involved. Let's break this cycle and navigate long-term relationships the right way.
If you are in an affair, you are going to have to resolve it. What that means is you will have to make a decision whether to end your affair or end your relationship with your partner, move on, and build a healthy long-term relationship elsewhere. Either decision will be difficult and painful; someone is going to get hurt. Ending your relationship with your partner will be painful for everyone involved, but it may be the best solution as it could get you out of a relationship that can’t be fixed (or might even be toxic). You could be doing both of you a favor by allowing each other a chance at a fresh start and an opportunity for self-improvement.
Or, you could choose to stay and mend the relationship with your partner. This may also be painful, especially if you choose to confess to the affair or your partner has discovered it. You will have to commit to communicating openly and honestly, and you may need the guidance of a professional counselor. You will have to commit to doing a lot of hard work over a long time (years) to build a relationship in which you will both feel happy and fulfilled. You’ll be walking through fire.
Having said that, this choice will give you the opportunity to have the relationship you always wanted with the person to whom you committed yourself for life. Yes, you will be walking through fire, but that fire will forge a relationship that is stronger and more resilient than the previous one. And you will be a better person for it.
Let’s say you have decided to end your relationship with your partner (or they decided to end it with you), and now you’re single. Where do you go from here? For you to have healthy, long-term relationships in the future, you’re going to have to work on yourself. The first thing you will need to do is engage in honest introspection.
You need to examine what happened in your relationship that caused it to break down. No, it wasn’t entirely your partner’s fault. Yes, a portion of the fault, big or small, lies with you. It’s very easy to point a finger at someone else and say that it was all their fault. We see that everywhere in our society.
It’s harder (but more fulfilling) to ask the tough questions of yourself and determine what role you played in your relationship's demise. Be warned: If you don't do this, you will simply make the same mistakes in your next relationship and achieve the same results. We are talking about breaking your cyclical behavior, and to do that you need all the information about you that you can get.
This won’t be easy, or quick, for that matter. You will have to go through a process that is going to require time, effort, resources, and probably a fair bit of pain. If you devote yourself to this process, you will not only be facing obstacles within yourself, but exterior forces as well. Prominent among these is the idea our society has developed that we have to have everything, and we have to have it immediately.
We live in a society that promotes and values instant gratification. Technological advances have given rise to a level of service by which we can get things quickly and seemingly without effort. We can communicate instantaneously with anyone anywhere in the world (which also means we can have an affair with anyone, anywhere in the world), order a meal and have it delivered to us in our homes almost any time, or order a product and have it delivered to us the next day. We tend to take all of this for granted, but from a historical perspective, these are incredible achievements.
The downside is that this rapid fulfillment of our wants and needs can color our expectations when it comes to our personal growth and will be at odds with your commitment to change. Don’t expect quick results; improving yourself is going to take considerable time and effort. You will find that you’ll be fighting your internal influences—habits and expectations that you’ve built over a lifetime—and external ones (the more insidious of which come from our cultural messaging).
The first of these influences is media and advertising. We are constantly online, and as a result, we are bombarded with messages promising quick and easy satisfaction of our every desire. We are promised fast and easy weight loss (just take Ozempic), instant credit approval so you can get that new car (so easy if you qualify for zero-percent financing), or a course that will make you rich (learn all about dropshipping today). You have been programmed with the message that quick and easy outcomes are not only possible but expected.
The next influence you will be fighting is your previous experiences. What’s your level of success? Have you had quick results in the past? Do things seem to come easily to you? What you will have to assess is the extent to which your attitude toward self-improvement is being influenced by your previous experiences in meeting your needs and obtaining your desires. You may have a belief that quick results will be universal for you because that’s how it’s been in the past.
Competitive pressure is the next possible impediment to your self-improvement journey. Others may have high expectations of you, or you may have high standards for yourself. You may be in a pressure cooker environment in which you have to achieve consistently rapid results to stay ahead of your competition. You may very well have the idea that you need to rush your improvements so you can maintain a lead on others. Also, given your high standards, admitting your flaws could be very difficult for you.
Which brings us to your personality. It’s possible you are simply impatient by nature; you don’t like waiting for anything. That’s understandable, but ask yourself how you got to be that way. What happened in your past that shaped you? Perhaps you grew up in a household where the expectation of fast outcomes was the norm (and you were likely punished if you didn’t get something done quickly). Or, maybe you are neurodivergent and have a difficult time with delayed gratification.
So, we may be conditioned to believe that quick results are the natural order of things. What we need to acknowledge is many worthwhile achievements take time, effort, and perseverance. Below are some steps you can take to help you maintain an appropriate perspective as you work toward your goals:
Embrace the journey: Understand that any significant accomplishment will require time and dedication. Embrace each step of your journey. Focus more on the process than the outcome and recognize the value in the process as a whole. You’re going to be on this path for a while; you might as well enjoy it.
Develop patience: Setting incremental goals and acknowledging small victories along the way will help you stay motivated and focused. Do a deep dive into your personality to determine the source(s) of your impatient nature. The services of a coach (or a therapist) can be very effective in helping you with this. In fact, a professional might be mandatory for you, as it’s entirely possible that without one, you won’t be able to break the conditioning you’ve received from your prior experiences.
Resist instant gratification: Try to fend off ideas of quick fixes. Keep your focus on a long game in which your personal gains are built over time. Recognize that a large portion of our societal messaging is geared simply toward getting you to part with your hard-earned cash. Being aware that someone is trying to manipulate you is a big part of determining the extent to which this messaging will influence you going forward.
Manage your expectations: Set goals for yourself that are realistic (you have a high probability of achieving them). Understand that your journey won’t be seamless. You will make errors and have setbacks, but treat them as learning opportunities rather than failures. We grow and become stronger by learning from our mistakes.
Stay committed: You are going to have hard days (or weeks, or months). Weather the storm. Persevere through your mistakes, setbacks, and obstacles. Stay dedicated to your goals. You will need to demonstrate consistency and determination to achieve lasting success. Don’t be tempted by shortcuts. The true path does not lead around, only through.
Also, be prepared to make sacrifices. Nothing comes without a cost. At the very least, you will be sacrificing time. Your journey will likely involve a financial cost, which perhaps may come from buying new clothes, taking courses, or even having to pay out a massive financial settlement to your partner if your relationship ends.
These days, our instant-gratification society seems to place little value on sacrifice. The message we are inundated with is not only should we get something we want quickly and for little cost, but we also deserve to have it—for next to nothing if at all possible.
By embracing the notion that you will have to give something up to get something better and that getting it will take time and effort, you emerge a better person from the wreckage of your former relationship—someone who others respect, admire, and want to emulate. In your future romantic relationships, you will be an excellent partner who has so much more to contribute.
Remember, the most rewarding achievements are often the result of sustained effort and unwavering commitment. Stay the course, and your perseverance will pay off in the end.