A therapist posted about a pattern she sees in her office all the time. The husband brings up sex, or says he wants more of it, and the wife treats it like an irritation. Something to manage. A chore he keeps putting on her list.
I replied that this is a huge problem. I want to say more about it than a reply box allows.
I hear this from men constantly. The eye roll. The sigh. "Oh my God, just get over yourself." "Is that all you ever think about?" He asks to be close to his wife and gets handled like a kid asking for a third cookie.
And a lot of these same wives, by every account I've heard, were all in during the honeymoon stage. Couldn't keep their hands off him. Started things. Planned for it. Wanted it.
So what happened?
The Wife's Side
I'm going to talk to the wives first, because plenty of them read this stuff, and because hardly anyone in the therapy world will say it plainly.
Yes, he committed to you partly because of that. Not only because of that. He married you for a lot of reasons. But the way the two of you were together physically, early on, was one of them. It told him something about who you were and what this marriage was going to look like. He made a lifelong promise based in part on that.
Yes, he was a little dumb to think it would stay that way. Most relationships follow the same arc. A hypersexual early phase, then a gradual decline as jobs, kids, bills, and exhaustion pile up. I wrote that in The Dead Bedroom Fix and I stand by it. Nobody should expect year one forever.
But he wasn't dumb to expect some of it to last. A gradual decline and a near shutdown are two very different things. Going from several times a week to a few times a year, and treating his desire as a character flaw on top of it, has nothing to do with the natural arc of a marriage. You cut him off.
And yes, in that part of the marriage, that makes you a poor wife. I know how that sounds. I'm not calling you a bad person. I'm not calling you a bad mom. You may be great at a hundred other things. But sex is one of the few things a husband can't get anywhere else without blowing up his family. When you take it away and then roll your eyes at him for missing it, you're failing him in a way that matters a lot.
In the book I described what this looks like in a lot of homes. Mom keeps everything on track and swats away Dad's attempts to bring anything sexual into the house. When he tries, she makes him feel like a pervert for it. From where she sits, she isn't trying to hurt him. She's just shutting down some annoying behavior. He sulks for a while, gets over it, and the whole cycle starts again. Rinse and repeat.
The eye roll keeps that loop running. John Gottman has spent decades studying couples, and he calls contempt the single biggest predictor of divorce. The small daily kind counts.
The Husband's Side
Now, guys. None of that gets you off the hook.
I wrote The Dead Bedroom Fix for you, not for her. And the first real point in that book is one a lot of men don't want to hear. You did X and you got Y in return. I put the responsibility squarely on your shoulders, and I did it on purpose. After thousands of dead bedroom stories, the pattern holds. Somewhere along the way, most of these men hit a fork in the road and took the wrong path. Usually more than once.
Most guys run their own bait and switch. While you were dating, you were the Lover. You flirted. You planned things. You were in shape, or at least trying. You made her feel wanted as a woman, and not only needed as a partner.
Then you got married, and at some point you decided the Lover stuff wasn't needed anymore. Provider mode took over. You dropped the hobbies that made you interesting, picked up the beer and the Oreos, and started treating the marriage like a finished project.
She switched on you. You switched on her too. Maybe first. Maybe at the same time. Maybe in ways you never noticed.
And comfort works against you here. When it comes to a woman's desire, comfort does not turn into heat. A committed husband who is predictable, soft, and always available feels safe. Safe is good for a lot of things. It rarely makes her want to tear your clothes off.
The other move I see all the time is the guy who gets fed up and decides, "I'm going to stop chasing her and see what she does." I can save you the time. She'll be relieved you finally got off her back.
So before you spend another night stewing about the eye roll, be honest with yourself. How's your body? How's your temper? Are you anxious and needy, or steady? When was the last time you flirted with her with nothing expected in return? Do you lead anything in that house, or do you wait to be told?
Those are your parts. Nobody else can do them for you.
But It Still Takes Two
A lot of relationship advice only tells half of this.
Some coaches stop at "Fix yourself and she'll come around." Some therapists stop at "His desire is his problem to manage." Both leave out half the marriage.
You can do everything right. Get in shape, get your head straight, quit sulking, lead, flirt, carry your weight at home. And she can still choose not to meet you. She can keep rolling her eyes at a man who changed in every way she said she wanted.
There's a line in the book I come back to all the time. Once you've done everything you can to fix the situation, it's up to her to do the same. It takes two to tango.
You're responsible for you. You aren't responsible for her choices. Sometimes that's heartbreaking. It's also a relief, because your job has an end point. You do your part, fully and honestly. Then you watch what she does with it.
If she meets you, good. Plenty of marriages come back from this.
If she doesn't, you'll know that too. And you'll know it after doing your part, instead of lying awake wondering whether you ever really tried.