After talking to a bunch of guys and hearing countless stories about the pains of divorce and heartbreak, you start noticing some patterns. That's kinda how this whole website and podcast thing of mine got started. Patterns, man.
You hear guys saying things like, "It was supposed to be like this…" or "She should've done that…" or "This isn't how it's supposed to go…" Sound familiar?It's like there's this unwritten rulebook floating around somewhere, dictating exactly how guys should act to score the perfect marriage. I imagine it as this massive, ancient tome called "THE RULES," with a subtitle like, "Follow these and you'll live happily ever after." But here's the kicker—I've never actually seen this book. But based on what I've heard, it's got chapters like:
"Do Chores, Get Lucky: The Ultimate Guide to Household Chores and Hot Sex"
"Happy Wife, Happy Life: How to Avoid Rocking the Boat"
"Men Are Dogs, Women Are Angels: Embracing Your Inner Pig"
You get the gist. Now, let me show you a prime example of someone who's been living by this invisible rulebook. Check out this post from a typical dude on a divorce forum:
"Hey, I'm 47, my soon-to-be-ex is 42. We've been married forever and have an 18-year-old daughter. Found out she's been chatting with some guy online. Can you believe it? As far as I can tell, he's a total mess. Always broke and probably a drunk. I'm just baffled. I did all the cooking, most of the housework, AND worked full-time. Sure, I'm not a supermodel, but I've dedicated my life to her. And now this. She didn't even talk to me about being unhappy. I feel like I wasted half my life. I sacrificed so much and got nothing in return. Now, I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again. What now?"
Do you see the not-so-subtle "WTF? This wasn't in the rulebook!" vibe here? This guy did everything by the book—housework, check; paying bills, check; even tending the garden. And yet, his wife's off chatting with some dude online.
But here's the thing: There is no actual book. It's just this metaphor for the rules and expectations that a lot of guys carry around in their heads. Where did these rules come from? Hollywood? Disney? Too many single moms raising boys?
Whatever it is, this mindset is so ingrained that we often ignore what's right in front of us. We focus on what should be, not what is. We focus on what we deserve, not what we actually get.
It's like getting mauled by a tiger and insisting it's not happening because all tigers are awesome. Well, guess what? Sometimes tigers are just assholes.
Now, let's flip the script and look at how seeing things as they are, not how they should be, can change the game:
"That cute girl only likes jocks? Maybe I need to hit the gym and work on my confidence."
"Boss passed me over? Time to find out what Joe's secret is and up my game."
"Caught my wife texting some guy? Time to lay down some boundaries and get real about what's happening."
"No sex in a while? Maybe I need to put in more effort and bring back the spark."
See where I'm going with this? When you live in reality, things start to click. You have boundaries, self-respect, and integrity. You're not afraid to speak your mind or take a loss. You're prepared for the ups and downs. You're not living in some fantasy world—you're living like a man.